BIRTH OF SANITY

My Hero.

2009-05-03T02:10:00.000-07:00

I called him “gundu” and at times “thatha”. I still call him that, only I hear no response. I get back from home after meeting a couple of my friends and there is something I‘d really like to share with him so I look for him as soon as I get back. And I see his picture framed on the wall. It hits me like a thunderbolt. He is gone. And will be forever.
A month back, thatha fell sick all of a sudden. He couldn’t believe he was sick so he tried his best to get off the bed but couldn’t. This lasted only for one day. I was sure it was one of the times; he would check in to the hospital and get right back…fit as a fiddle as he used to say. But he did not. He was rushed to the hospital at 2 am on 4th April. I knew he would be back in 2 days time or so. I didn’t even let my mind think “What if…” I called the hospital on 5th morning at 7 am and checked on him. They said he was getting better. “I knew it” I thought to myself. It is thatha, he can’t go.
My phone rang at 11:30 am. It was chitappa (thatha’s brother). He had gone to the hospital to visit him. I couldn’t leave the baby at home, I couldn’t take him either; he is too little. “Hi Chitappa, so how is thatha?” I asked. “Thatha passed away, Priya” I heard him say. Those words, that voice, that call I will never forget. Instantly, I looked at my baby and knew I had to be strong for him. So I choked back tears and told mom “Thatha is no more, ma”. She broke down, I still didn’t. Jobi had gone out to pick up decoration for baby’s party which was supposed to be held on the same day. I called him and told him what had happened. He came back home, I hugged him. A few tears and I was done. That moment, I blocked it out of my head. It is thatha, he can’t go.
Amma (Gramma) came back home from the hospital. I held her tight, not wanting to believe the intense sadness I was feeling, not wanting to know it was for thatha. Before I could break down, I ran back to my room and sat back thinking. Thinking of the days thatha and I had morning coffee together and went “Cheers” over a cup of filter kaapi. We would then read the newspaper together and talk about politics and take sides. Since he was in the Army, he never gives up in an argument which was always fun because I don’t either. We wouldn’t stop unless it was time for me to get dressed to leave to school/ college/ work. Yes, it happened for MANY years.
Over the years the scenario changed but I never really noticed it until now when I looked back in retrospect. During school we had our morning coffee everyday together, during college it 4 or 5 times a week as he would get up late sometimes. During work time, it was almost never but I hadn’t even noticed it! Why, I am not sure. I guess with time, it’s hard to notice some transitions. In the afternoons during school, he would wait for me to have lunch and would mix rice for me the way I love it. We would talk endlessly about my day at school and discuss physics. During college, he got a little tired and wouldn’t talk as much. When I went to work, I never saw him in the afternoons.
The nights though, never changed. I slept right next to him till the night before I got married. He would overhear my telephonic conversations and in order to get information out of me he would tell me about his “love story”. We never fell apart .Even if time changed and we didn’t have much time together like before, our bond remained and only grew stronger by the years. We had fights almost every day; we would talk it over and fight all over again. Sigh… if only I got back those years, those defining moments of my life. If only I could go back in time and hug him and tell him he means the world to me and he will always be my hero, my number one. Now I enter his room, I don’t see him trying to shut the windows to switch on the A/C or struggling to button his shirt or saying “Kondhai, can you get me a box of Pringles when you go out next? Any flavor would do but I like the potato one the best” I would get him two of those. I loved spoiling him. To me, after a point he was a child. A child who wanted hair gel, Pringles, Batteries, Cologne, Mach 3 Razors, the latest mobile phone. He was always very curious about the latest technology although he never quite got it.
For a month, I have bottled it all up. I remained oblivious to the fact that he is gone, that there will never ever be another thatha. But today, as I sit here trying to deal with his loss by writing this I realize there is no way I can possibly deal with it right now. Maybe over the years, maybe never. But for now, I have his countless undying memories and I have him very close to my heart. Like I was telling a friend “Legends never die.” And he is and will always be my legend, my guru, my everything.

Joys of Motherhood- II

2009-02-19T09:44:00.000-08:00

Ah well, I should really blog more often. My second trimester was pretty enjoyable. I am almost full term now and it's getting a little uneasy. Especially with the events around the nation which anger me a great deal, I think I might just have the baby a little before its due. Jobi has been great all along. Cooking, taking care of me and cooking a lot more. Boy, can he cook! I have even started wearing his clothes now :/

Anyway, coming back to one of the events that has pissed me off. The Mangalore pub incident. The whole nation watched as women were dragged out of a lounge and beaten. Now, how come the media knew that would happen? Fine, they were there "co-incidentally" , why didn't they try to protect the girls? According to me, media is supposed to cover the events of the nation,yes but not in such a shameful manner wherein these women who needed to be protected weren't!

This post is supposed to be about my "joys" so yeah, I have been pampered A LOT. But I cannot wait to get done. My temper has been going a little off track and it is a consolation to know that it is normal during pregnancy. I don't know what to expect in the near future but I am sure as hell excited. I have been reading up a lot about labour but that doesn't make me any less nervous! And no, youtube videos, my friend, don't help either! Also, I found out that my doc doesn't let anyone in the room. The joy! I am trying to focus on the non-existant brighter side.

Ugh! I just want to be done with this. NOW.

Non-drunken rambings...

2008-11-02T09:41:00.000-08:00

Since I cannot consume alcohol at this point in time, I am put in a situation at parties where I observe. And let me tell you, it's not as boring as it sounds. I'll tell you why. People who drink miss out on the chance to really look around. They tend to get a little to self-absorbed. After my last party, I paid attention to the various kinds of drunk personalities.

1. The sober drunk- This kind is pretty uncommon to find below the age of 25. These are the people who have "been there, done that". They know how to handle their drinks. Even after 20 pegs, they seem extremely sober in a social gathering. Although, one never knows what happens when they get home.

2. The philosophically drunk- As the name suggests, these people start their lines with "Have you ever wondered why..." or "Sometimes I feel like..." after their 2nd or 3rd drink. You know it will be a while before they shut up. Encounters of this kind, mostly end up in them either ending up in tears or well.. passing out.

3. The drunk extrovert- This is the kind who will go out of his way and socialize after a few drinks although he might or might not know what he is talking about. Mostly, its the latter. He seems overly confident about himself and his content of speech although he might slur.. a lot. They are loud and funny, not in ways they d want to be though.

4. The sexually drunk- Now this kind is found majorly between age groups 18- 23. These are the people who get extremely sexually uninhibited when drunk. They will "charge" on living or non-living objects after 4 or 5 drinks and claim they dont remember jackshit the next day :-/

5. The silent drunk- These are the people who get REALLY boring when drunk. They shut up and prefer to be left alone. My hypothesis is that they like to communicate with the voices in their heads when drunk because I refuse to believe that people can get that boring.

6. The self-obsessed drunk- Ok, now we have come across people who like to talk about themselves excessively when sober. These are the people who become the self-obsessed drunk. They still talk about themselves, only now they make sure EVERYONE in the room is paying close attention to them. If someone else tries to talk , they will get back to talking about themselves in about a minute. So yeah, the silent drunks are much better.

7. The plain weird drunk- These are not the kinds who will hit on you or stay in one corner of the room all by themselves. They are just plain weird when drunk. By weird I mean, repitative weird talks about the randomest stuff or doing the weirdest thing. I know I sound vague, but c'mon i m sure you have bumped into these kinds!

If you guys have anymore drunk personalities, please do add on. I am sure I will come across a lot more in the forthcoming parties as I have a good 2 years of sobriety. Woohoo!

To-Do

2008-09-26T03:50:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I know it has been a while. You know it's not too easy to balance out a life that involves morning sickess, work, cooking and extreme fatigue. Again, everything paid off when we got to see the baby in the ultrasound. With the hands and legs and everything! Yeah ! It's human! And growing and stuff. While undergoing one of my "mood swing" phases, I was thinking about how much I have really "accomplished" in life.

So here is the list of the things I have done and the things I am yet to do.

~~Spend a whole night gazing at the stars~~
~~Laugh till I fall off my chair.~~
~~Cry till I fall off my chair.~~
Get so wasted that I dont remember a thing the next day.
~~Be extremely sober around extremely wasted people.~~
~~Hit it off with a girl.~~
~~Fall in love hopelessly and unconditionally.~~
~~Get so angry that I have wanted to stab someone repeatedly.~~
~~See desert, ocean and snow on the same day.~~
~~See clouds below me.~~
Write a book.
~~Get a tattoo.~~
Stop swearing for a few months at least.
~~Stop drinking.~~
~~Stay up all night talking and fall asleep at 8 am.~~
Finish ten masters degree.
~~Get married to the man of my dreams.~~
Not be impulsive.
Start my own practice of counselling.
~~Try weed.~~
Try Mushrooms.
~~Dress up like a pirate.~~
See Grand Canyon during Sunset.
Have absolutely nothing on my mind.
~~Fall asleep thinking I wont wake up the next day.~~
~~Feel really scared of losing someone.~~
Appear on a hugeass Billboard.
Be a man for a day.
~~Send a message in a bottle.~~
~~Ride a camel into the desert.~~
Be the funnest mom ever.
~~Feel like a good human being.~~
Adopt a kid/ sponsor kid's education.
~~Be financially independent.~~
Watch the launch of the space shuttle.
~~Tell someone the story of my life, sparing no details.~~
~~Stay out all night dancing and go to work the next day without having gone home (just once).~~
~~Shower in a waterfall.~~
Spend New Year's in an exotic location.
~~Get passionate about a cause and spend time helping it, instead of just thinking about it.~~
Write my will.
Buy my own house and then spend time making it into exactly what I want.
Bomb North India.

The Joys of Motherhood-1

2008-08-29T05:24:00.001-07:00

I wake up again at 6 am recollecting I slept only at 3 am and feeling this extreme urge to pee. But my throat feels dry at the same time. Do I drink water first or do I pee first? Decisions decisions. So I get out of bed, feeling the hangover. Only this time I did not drink the previous night. In fact, I stopped drinking a few months back. As I rush to the loo, I feel a slight twitch in my tummy. The baby wants me to pee as well! That’s a sign! So I suppress my primary desire to quench my thirst. As my day goes by, I don’t feel like eating although I am starving. But I think to myself that the baby needs the food so I try to eat . An hour later, I throw up. This is followed by a queasy, nauseating feeling in my tummy which spreads thru my body and slowly graduates to my head to give me a headache. “Pri, take a damn pill” you might say. But guess what? I can’t take any. It’s not good for the baby. What is worse is when someone says “It’s all psychological.” Now that definitely angers me. It’s like telling the symptoms of AIDS is psychological! OR maybe it’s not. Why would any self-loving woman “want” to throw up and feel shitty thru the day? And that too for something as wonderful as a baby. Nature in the form of hormones is cruel, I say. I have always imagined being exhilarated throughout my pregnancy. But as of now, I am pretty much incapable of such an emotion as most of energy is being spent in either rushing to the loo or feeling nauseated and extremely fatigued.
Despite all this, when I get home, and touch my tummy and feel the baby’s heartbeat it makes it all worthwhile. All the throwing up, nausea, urge to pee every 20 minutes, giving up alcohol, sleepless nights to mention a few. Although I am bitching about my symptoms, I get a little paranoid if I don’t go thru any of those even for a day. The baby has a heart now, it also has a tongue and tiny limbs!
Yes, all my posts till the baby’s birth and after will be about my pregnancy and the baby. So I apologize in advance if it sounds “gross” or “boring”.

Passion of the mellu

2008-06-20T23:49:00.000-07:00

Ok! So I logged onto Blogger now and this is what it said : تسجيل الدخول باستخدام حساب Google . Yes, the middle east syndrome. When one of my friends told me thats howits gonna be I thought he was fooling around but I kid you not, I had to type my password first and then the login id. Besides this technological cultural shock, I think I am ok! I didn't feel too out of place here when I started looking around, nor did I have an upset stomach for a week. So far so good.

The irony is that I feel like an outsider with my "family". Don't quiet get the languae the talk in ( Malayalam), don't get their jokes ( the fake laugh for a long time hurts my cheek bones :P) and their religious practices. I was baptized 2 days back; not like it matters to me but the whole event kinda cheesed me off. For one, I had the behave the way they wanted me to ( Kinda spoilt that way :D) and the church dude "crossed" my forehead with oil. Oh and thats not it. He dipped my hair which I had just ironed in a mini tub of water in which he "mixed" oil :-/ Little did I know that the worst part was the next day, my first communion. 3 hours of aramic + mlayalam chants/hymns etc. In a nutshell, 3 hours of my life I will never get back but would do anything to. Through these hours I clung on to the hope of having brad and a spoonful of wine and guess the hell what? The dude gave ne tiny portions of pretentious bread and GRAPE JUICE. I am sure Christ was a lot more alcoholic than that! I am getting married in the church today and no, I do not get to wear a dress.

The place is awesome though. Went around the city for a bit and checked out all the malls. We are for sure thinking of moving here provided I don't have to interact with "the people" too frequently. Also, Pepsi and Coke taste better than in India,as do ALL the other food stuff :P I have to get ready for my second wedding now and of course the fake smile during the reception. Yaay! The joy!

Some come and go but some stay...

2008-06-04T02:45:00.000-07:00

Sometimes we think people around us totally understand us and accept us for who we are and at other times we feel there are not too many of our kind around and that no one will ever get us. Our brain is oh-so-complex and as humans we have an instinct to complicate our lives beyond recognition.

I have had “friends” who come and go. Some of them realize they don’t get me instantly and leave, some stay and try for a long time to get me and leave when they give up. The former are the ones that don’t cause considerable hurt and bitter feelings. The latter however is a very different category altogether. I can safely say that when anyone becomes my friend, I give my 100% and beyond. To me, friends are family.

I have made mistakes in the past with friends and learnt from it. But when people say they have tried to understand me and are leaving me cuz they failed to do so, I feel pretty lousy not cuz they left but cuz I misjudged them. I probably thought they would stick by me and that they get me because that’s what they portray which is obviously deceptive. This might be a very hasty conclusion but I have a few friends in my head who I know will stick by me and I don’t plan on trusting anyone else till I probably gain back that faith that I lost when a “friend” walked away.

Seriously though, who is a friend? Is it someone who will stick by you no matter what? Will he/she point out where you went wrong and stick by you anyway? Or is it someone who will leave you the second they want to? The friends I think will stick by me are:

“A”- We talk about everything and understand each other to a great extent and have been friends for a very long time. He almost let go of me (I am a very let-goable person) but I had faith in our friendship and we are doing good.

“B”- She is a bitch. But I can’t do without her. She calls me fat. She is late for every appointment but I adore her for the way she accepts me for who I am. She has stuck by me thru my toughest of times and has been my pillar of strength. I can comfortably say that there is no end to our friendship.

“C”- We have been thru similar times and empathize with each other because of that. We have long endless philosophical conversations. He confides in me a great deal and I respect that. There are some disconnects in our relationship but I try to ignore them. All in all, a great friend.

“D”- Ah well, we probably talk once a month or lesser but I know she is out there and I can count on her anytime and vice versa. Someone who doesn’t seem emotional but gets me inside out.

And then I think about the person who walked out on me. Lol, shame on me! I am proud of who I have become and of the kind of people I associate with. They are no saints, but hey who doesn’t have their share of flaws? I have funnily noticed that people who call other people “mere mortals” and so much below mere mortals themselves. In psychology, I have read that “superiority complex” does not exist. A person exhibits his inferiority complex thru “superior” statements. That’s a topic for another day!

I have finally looked at someone leaving me as learning about myself and others. I am growing slowly yet steadily! And I have these people who walked out on me to thank for :)

I feel like a cliche.

2008-04-30T04:24:00.000-07:00

One of my characteristics that one person I knew a while back didnt quite like was that I was "cliched" in a relationship. I used to feel inadequate for my lack of "orginality". I tried my best to say/ do things differenly so that I am not termed "the usual". When I wanted to gift something, I made a pizza clock, I wrote his name with capacitors on a circuit board..the list goes on.

Now when I think about, it all looks pretty ..umm..stupid ( for want of a better word). Yes, I meant it when I did all of it but I would have done it all differently if I didn't feel pressurized to be different. I feel that when something is said/done genuinely, the feeling of "cliche" should not exist. An expression is overused or said to be a cliche only cuz it is easy to understand and convey and is appreciated and evokes positive response, in the first place.

When a man proposes with ring in the cake, it is a cliche BUT it doesnt make it any less special for the woman, if she says yes,i.e.On the other hand, if she considers it "cliche" she is looking past the intention putforth and is looking at the whole situation rather superficially.

I can't look outside me for faith or hope.
I don't trust people too easily although I befriend them very easily.
I seldom run out of topics to talk about.
I can love unconditionally.
I can stay mad at someone only for a very short while.
I love shots of vodka with salt on the rim.
I like Red.
I like pictures.
I cry when I watch movies.
I cry when I think about the past.
I smile when I see my husband as soon as I get up.
I am not a morning person despite which the above happens.
I hate travelling.
I am a shoppaholic.
I feel fat.
I like mind-fuck movies.
I don't like some smells and places associated with the past.
I would love to be Simon from American Idol for a day.
I loathe Japanese food.
I remember ALL my dreams.
I can't dance.
I am sarcastic.
My passion is psychology.
My dream is to be the best wife and mother.
My greatest fear is separation from loved ones and old age.
I don't want to learn to drive a car.
I don't want to know the capitals of all countries.
I don't ever want to learn mathematics.
Everything about me is cliched and I am proud of it.

3 AM in Singapore

2008-04-22T00:08:00.000-07:00

She came into the room like a candle burning with a cold, clear flame. Her hair was a burnished shade of black that was too dark to cast back any ruddy highlights, but it still did anyway. Her eyes were dark, clear, her complexion flawlessly smooth and elegantly graced with minimal cosmetics. She was not a tall woman, but shapely, wearing a black dress with a plunging neckline and a walk that would put a feline’s grace to shame. Her three hundred dollar shoes were a study in high-heeled torture devices. She truly looked too good to be true…

“This is an unexpected pleasure” she said, voice rich and full. I rose when she entered the room, hoping for something intelligent and witty for a reply, but ultimately just thankful to even find my voice again, “Most pleasures are unexpected, but the pleasure undoubtedly is mine” I said, and then cursed myself for sounding like a melodramatic fool. But that’s the nature of meeting something so lovely, you want to express so much and its so hard to rein it in sometimes, is it not? One quick fact about me while I’m “expressing” so much about myself, I always try to find the good in life and more often then not the good things in life are quite hard to find, and here I am breathing the same air as this genuinely lovely individual so you will have to forgive me if I seem a tad bit over enthusiastic about this girl.

She laughed, lips shaping the sounds, head falling back just enough to show a flash of that amber-brown throat. “It is a charmingly passé thing to be a gentleman in these times” she said. All I can think of was how one can not be in the presence of something so breathtaking. “You and I are of another world” I said...and then our eyes locked. I didn’t flinch. I met her bottomless gaze and quirked my mouth up in a little smile, as though I had something more, to pull out of my soul if she wanted to go there. I saw her passion, her rage, her caring, her anger, her tenderness, her spontaneity, her brilliance, and for just a moment I got a peek inside, saw the source of it. She was furiously pissed off and overwhelmingly pleased that I had seen her true form, horrified and exalted that I had stripped her disguise away and seen the person beneath. And she was afraid that I could take away her defenses, forever, with my power. Little did she know she could do the same to me, or more likely she knew she exactly could do the same to me.

They say that the eyes are the portals to the soul of a person, and I as gazed into her eyes, it felt like a thousand cool soft satin sheets were being pulled all over my very being, a man can get lost in those eyes. Black, bottomless eyes started at me through the burning fire of my faith. I could feel some sort of power there, trying to get at me and held off by the force of my will, and trust me it took every ounce of will not to let myself sink into those eyes, I can only hope I am not flattering myself when I think that she was doing the same herself…

- Anonymous

Conversations with Pri-I

2008-04-09T03:00:00.000-07:00

The human brain is faster than a calculator is when it comes to “calculating” situations. When we are in a situation, the human mind computes rapidly, without even the process being a conscious one. The end result of these micro mini processes are called “choices”. The choices that we make lead to sub choices that in turn lead to other choices and so on. At every point in a day we make hundreds of choices starting from something as trivial as whether to have a bath or not to whether or not to divorce your spouse. This primary choice has an effect on the choices you have in the next level.

Choices can be broadly categorized under 2 types :

1. Rational- This is the most “wise” type of choice. A situation is presented to you and you take some time off and think about it back and forth. “Wise” here is a relative term that essentially means that you will benefit from this choice (materialistically, emotionally or spiritually) and doesn’t have a negative impact on you, directly/ indirectly. For eg: a realtor shows you the best house for the best price in a great place with a friendly neighbourhood. A rational choice maker would tell him he d get back to the realtor and would go home and research about the house, weigh his options, look at the pros and cons and then decide accordingly. A rational thinker is seen to have a set of principles he will NEVER give up.

2. Instinctive- These choices are otherwise known as “Impulsive” choices. People who make these kind of choices act quickly from which they may or may not benefit. Besides, this type of choice has the highest risk of negative impact, which can be long term. For eg: A friend forces you to do drugs. In one of your vulnerable situations, you give in. An instinctive choice maker is likely to repeat his actions. They tend to have a flexible set of principles and tend you “rationalize” their actions by going around their principles. They also think short term.

In psychology, it is said that the choices that an individual makes is based on how their Id, Ego and Super ego work.

• Id is that part of the consciousness that is animalistic. The individual whose id takes over is highly impulsive and “irrational”. For eg: If a boy wants a toy and his parents don’t get it for him, he might go to the extent of stealing money to buy it.
• Superego is that part of the consciousness that is highly principled. It fears being judged by the society and has strict boundaries. For eg: If an individual wants to smoke but sub consciously fears being judged, he might go to the extent of putting up “No smoking” posters to prove to the outside world that he is a “good” individual.
• Ego controls the dynamics of Id and super ego, so to say. It helps one decide make a “socially moral” decision. If Id takes over and gives in in a situation, Ego punishes it with feelings of guilt.

I guess what I m trying to say is, don’t be a dumbass and make choices that will hurt you in the long run.

So much to say..so little time.

2008-03-27T00:03:00.000-07:00

Life has changed a great deal. I have always pictured myself getting here sooner or later but I didn't foresee a few deals that come with the package called "Happiness". For one, I always assumed that I will be in touch with all my frinds. I am, right now but not the way I have wanted it to be. Friend#1 has issues with internet and is seldom online, ISD calls coast a bomb so no contact. Friend#2 is a stupid fucking assistant director of some bollywood movie and is shooting in Kashmir. I am unable to track down her number cuz I lost my phone. Friend#3 and I meet up when I go to Chennai but then again its not the same withought the whole gang. Friend#4 has reviews all the fucking time and is chasing deadlines so whatever. Friend #5 works for TCS. Period. There ends her social life or even a semblence of one.

People somehow tend to assume that married people have major responsibilities and hence become boring. Well, guess what? That is somehow not true in my case. Life in fact is simpler emotionally. You start looking at things differently ( matured would be too strong a word to use here). More than that, people start looking at you differently which is both good and bad. When I go back home, grama gives me a nudge and a you-know-what-i-am-talking-about smile follwed by "Sooo, any good news aaa?" What the hell? I have been married for 3 months now! Oh and what makes it worse, my friends ask me that! Yes, I love being a mom and all. But C maaaaan!

The change that I see in myself shocks me at times. I am not the extremely outgooing person anymore. I like keeping to myself a lot , mostly thinking about what the hell do I make for dinner :P The past that I talk about all the time is mostly a haze expect for a few episodes which will probably be etched in my head forever. Some judgements that certain people have made about me seem to have an impact on me , subconsciously. For eg: When I am in a situation, something someone said in the past flashes in my head so unnecessarily and holds me back from anythng I was about to say /do. Well, I am unable to decide whether it is a good thing or a bad one. Whatever it is, I m hoping it will pass like all the other unfortunate things did.

Sometimes I wish I could erase chunks of my memory. Where there is a ~~will~~ vodka shot there is way :D

I have been Taken Over :(

2008-03-05T03:28:00.000-08:00

It had to come to this someday. I have been with gamers for a very long time now and it's time I succumbed, and I did. I give up. I love it. I love every bit of gaming. I have bitched endlessly about how gaming has ruined my relationships. But you know what? Maybe it hasn't.

Ok, so this is how it all started. I got my husband a PSP for Valentine's Day. I didn't know squat about it when I bought it except that it is something a gamer would love to have. I picked up a random game called "The Takeover" (Street Fighting). He was obvioisly thrilled to have it but he was a lil skeptical about starting to play cuz he feared getting addicted. Little did he know. I enjoyed the first game cuz I beat the shit out of "Xibit". Just when I thought its getting over board I could buy players! So I bought Carmen Electra and some other women. Now I can't wait to get a memory stick to upgrade my game! Damnit Damnit ! Now, my husband is getting me to play Counter Strike. Sigh...And I can't even say No.

INDIA AWAKENING!

2008-01-20T23:12:00.001-08:00

So there was this news that flashed all over the TV and newspapers for nearly a week after new years. A very unfortunate event in Mumbai wherein 2 women were molested by a mob of 70 men! Below is NDTV’s article on the same:
Mumbai ashamed, two girls molested

NDTV Correspondent

Wednesday, January 2, 2008 (Mumbai)

The shocking pictures of two young women being molested by a mob of 70 to 80 men at Mumbai's Juhu area in the early hours of New Year's Day, has ashamed the city.

The women, one in a black dress and the other in a jeans and top emerged from the JW Marriott with two male friends around 1:45 am, and began walking towards Juhu beach close by.

A mob of about 40 got after them and began teasing the women when one of the women swore loudly at the hooligans. But the mob, now 70-80 strong, wouldn't let go.

They trapped the women near a vehicle and a tree, and pounced on them. A man in a white shirt tore off the black dress. Another, in a blue shirt, led the assault.

As the women fell on the ground, dozens of men jumped on them.

These pictures were taken by two Hindustan Times lensmen, who alerted the police. The HT photographers claimed that the police didn't summon them, but they went and recorded statements as witnesses.

Archana Tyagi, Additional Commissioner of Police, Mumbai said, ''I have seen reports today in Hindustan Times. We will certainly take action. HT didn't show me the pictures yesterday. It happened on 31st night. I got in touch with the girls, they are not from Mumbai and not in Mumbai. We will take action as soon as possible.''

The police said that they will register a suo moto complaint on the case.

Meanwhile, Mumbai's top cop, Commissioner D N Jadhav feels that the incident is being blown out of proportion and that the police did whatever they could to rescue the girls. The commissioner also said that molestation can happen anywhere.

The state's Deputy Chief Minister R R Patil made a statement saying, that the police chief's reaction was inappropriate and that the government was taking the matter seriously.

There is strong reaction from the people on the incident. ''Mumbai is heading towards being the Delhi jungle, where women are attacked every hour. Even if there is no complaint from the girls, police should take action immediately. I am ashamed to live in a city, where there is disrespect all around,'' said adman Alyque Padamse.

''Women in Mumbai are not safe. We have always been asking for an increase in women police force because Mumbai is so crowded and so many people are coming from various places, I think security should be beefed up,'' said Dr Shubha Raul, Mumbai Mayor.

Exactly a year ago in the otherwise known to be safe city, a girl was molested by New Year Eve revellers at the Gateway of India.

Marriott distances itself

The hotel J W Marriott, which the two women had reportedly just left before being attacked by the mob, has distanced itself from the incident.

In a statement the hotel strongly objected to being dragged into the controversy and asserted that the incident did not take place outside the hotel, but closer to a school further down the road.

In fact the hotel added that an assistant commissioner of police was at the hotel along with the staff supervising.

The statement said, ''Whilst we understand that Mariott Mumbai is one of the most important landmarks in the vicinity we strongly disapprove the loose mention of our hotel in this very unfortunate incident.''

Defending its own arrangements the hotel said it had tripled its security for New Years Eve and advised its guests to stay off the streets.

Now, I sat back reading the news, hearing people talk about it in various emotions like anger, fear, sadness, shame etc. and I felt the exact same way when I heard of this for the first time. A little while later, I thought WHY? Why does this happen in India? Generally when I have questions in my head, I initially seek for answers from outside like, in this case, talking to people or watching debates on this issue on the TV. Some people said women should not be allowed to go out that late and if they do, they should ne ready for this kind of an event to occur. Other feminists thought these men should be executed for disrespecting women. But I did not see anyone talking about WHY it happens.

My husband and I were talking about it when he told me about the “aquarium” system in Singapore wherein women are displayed behind glass doors and men can “pick” the one they want and release their sexual energy in a healthy way (as opposed to molesting women). These women (Commercial Sex Workers) are paid by the hour and get a medical test once in every 15 days. This system is legal in Singapore and every woman in this profession carries a license. The following are the stats of Rape in Singapore in 2007:

Crimes against persons registered 4,084 cases in 2007, compared to the 4,103 cases in 2006. This category refers to crimes where the victim is an individual and suffers bodily harm as a result of the crime. It includes offences such as murder, rioting, rape and outrage of modesty among others. There were 18 murders in 2007, compared to 17 in 2006, all of which were isolated and unrelated. All, except one, were solved. Excluding statutory rape cases, rape fell from 80 in 2006 to 72 in 2007.

Yes, Singapore’s population is way lesser than India’s but I honestly feel that Indian men are denied of a socially acceptable sexual vent which leads to such traumatic incidents. In the frigging land of Kamasutra where most of the Hindu Gods practice polygamy and the pillars in numerous temples have sculptures of people doing it doggy style, Sex is taboo! Wow, now THAT is hypocrisy. As a kid, I wasn’t told about the “good touch” and the “bad touch” is. Was I affected by that? Yes. I was 7 when I asked my mom how babies are born and she said they are “gifted” by God. It’s truly amazing how our folks come up with innovative ways to make babies. The best one however was when my friend’s mom told her that babies are made out of clay by God and the lack of any body part is because he runs out of clay. Why is so hard for parents to educate their children about sex?

Coming back to the Mumbai incident, the commissioner stated that the issue is being blown out of proportion. Yes, it was made a big deal one of the reasons being the men who were involved were not behind bars. One they were caught, the issue faded away from TV and newspapers. When someone as powerful as the commissioner exhibits such a callous attitude and says things like this happen all over the place, what message does that give out to molesters and rapists? That it is ok to do it because it happens everywhere? That molestation is not that big a deal? Exactly a year ago, a woman in her mid 20s decides to usher into the New Year by going to a party and pays the price by getting molested by a mob in spite of police presence and in full public view; she yells and screams for help as a few perverted men tear her dress below the waist. Even her companion at the party – a young man of almost same age – is unable to help her when in the course of being pulled and pushed, the woman falls down and the perverts get another chance to outrage her modesty for nearly ten minutes.
For all those who blame the victim saying she was inappropriately dressed (read scantly dressed) and therefore invited lecherous men to molest her, cameraman Shadab also captured another incident of molestation –a saree-clad woman, at the same venue, and almost the same time getting molested by a small mob of men. She was comparatively lucky to have gotten help and move out before anything untoward could happen to her.

I know for sure that I would not like my kids to grow up in India. India is rich in its culture blah blah but where did basic human values disappear?

Shame India!

Happyness is mine !

2008-01-17T03:38:00.000-08:00

Ah! So much to write so lil time. This post is going to be about the year that was but I am sure as hell it will turn random somewhere in between.

I thought the year started out pretty good, but hey! that was completely untrue cuz of my oh-so-poor judgement about men..AGAIN. But this time, for a change I didn't sulk around for too long. The sooner you realize what a bastard he is the sooner you feel better. But I still couldn't get over that one guy. I hadn't spoken to him since Nov'06 but I heard about him now and then. Thousands of "What if" s in my head, stupid bitch that I am. Sometimes, I d slip into that world that belonged to him and I and not want to get back to "reality". At the same time, I d be aware of the fact that he was the result of many many wrong choices I made back then. Then what was it that didn't let me "move on?" Did he love me? No. Did he spite me? Yes (I deserved it, I thought). At one point, my delusion hit me real hard; when the whole world asked me to forget him while I was doing just about the opposite. There have been many times when I have said goodbye to him. Sometimes, to his face, sometimes to myself. A few goodbye s later it all became meaningless. So whenever I d have the urge to forget him, I didn't say goodbye. Instead, i gave it time because from the pattern, I knew I d think about him again. And again. And again. So I let it be. I stopped forcing myself. Then, I noticed that it was all under control- my overwhelming feelings for him, the sadness, the rationalization...everything. It still didn't go away.

I met a few more new people. The more people I meet the more I realized I was being bleedingly stupid being hung up on someone who never loved me. Then again, there is a thin line between between realizing something and implimenting it. I was proud of myself though, I thought about him less, cried less. It was all getting better. Sometimes, I would have dreams of him and feel like I ate shit all day. but overall,I knew I had made my peace with the whole situation and when I looked outside, there was so much waiting for me, welcoming me with arms wide open.

One fine day, Jobi walked into my life with no warnings of a happier life whatsoever. In the beginning, I was scared like I always am. I need to know where things are heading, if I don't I panic. And then...well, its an ugly cycle we don't wanna get into! Before I get into the whole story, I would like to clear my take on cliches. I dont believe cliché is a negative thing. If something is cliched it means thats what majority of the people agree on, be it an action or a word. So if I am cliched in any way, I believe I am close to being normal. So those who think clichés are for losers, stop right here and google "I suck" :P

Coming back to my best half, well where do I even begin? When it started off, it was all the same. The same rush, the same night long talks. Only this was really night long cuz of the damn time difference. It was that time when I realized what I really deserved. Jobi was sensitive, kind, forgiving and patient, most of all! I am a very difficult person to be with, with my mood swings and internal conflicts about stuff that seems trivial to me at the moment. He is the ONLY person who has ever put up with my grampa s talks for over an hour straight. Ouch! Now that is true patience! So we kept in touch over phone and the internet. Days seemed very long and it felt like they crawled by very slowly like they don’t give a fuck about what I m feeling! Jobi was supposed to come down in August. I could hardly wait to see him. I knew deep down inside that I could never give myself to anyone the way I had the previous time. People say “Life goes on.” It does but not the same way.

One day in July, Jobi told me he was going for a conference in Dubai and that he wouldn’t be online. I missed him terribly these 2 days. One of the days, his brother called me and told me he had received a package from Jobi and that he wanted to give it to me. I got back home from a long tiring day at my damn job and headed towards the place where Jobi’s brother and I planned to meet. I had never seen his brother before. So I opened the door of the coffee house and looked for him only to find Jobi trying to hide his face with the menu card. How did I react? I don’t remember but for the next few hours I didn’t say a word that made sense as though I was elegantly wasted. The rest is history. Telling our folks about us, getting a job in a different city, his folks “disowning” him and of course, the wedding.The wedding will be a different post by itself. As of now, I am happy with my life and with the choices I have made in the recent past. Even though I know no one can EVER love me the way Jobi does, there are times when I feel terribly low mostly during PM-fucking-S. But when I go to bed, I smile.

Superhuman?

2007-11-29T03:45:00.000-08:00

I normally don't like writing posts on any single person although most of my blogs are people related and more often than not they are based on experiences with a particular person.

Off late, I have been meeting people from the "other side" of humanity. So far, I saw men who could love (or something like that), hate, game, eat, game, hate, eat... Then I met Raghu, who is way up there in the homo sapien scale. Besides being extremely intelligent and kind, he is extremely loving and forgiving. Yes, there are many people like him but not anywhere close to how intense and passionate he is about life and what he does. What does he do besides being a wonderful human being? He owns a firm, runs it ALL by himself. A part of which includes making nuts, packaging and the works. You can imagine how many nut jokes from me he faces everyday! To make my work easier, the nuts come in flavours like "herb n cheese" and "hot n spicy" :D

Jokes apart, I won't be wrong if I called him the perfect human being. Well, he can't sing for "nuts" if that counts :) I only wish I had met him earlier; MANY wrong decisions in my life could have been avoided. I am very glad he is a part of my life now and I hope this nutty affair continues for eons.

Cheers bro! You TOTALLY rock.

Peace out ;-)

..l..

2007-10-15T07:17:00.000-07:00

I m getting married! I m getting married! Boy oh boy am I thrilled! BUT we have been facing MANY obstacles the past few months. Most of it is cuz I belong to the Brahmin Community which is the "highest" caste in the caste system of Hindu society which apparently is the biggest deal in the face of humanity. My fiancee is a Christian and well, his folks decided not to be a part of the wedding or our lives, for that matter.

The step we ( my fiancee and I) have taken is a pretty bold one considering how frikkin anal the society we live in is about caste and religion. My granpa is still not too happy about the wedding. He rubs in it everyday, slowly, hoping it would cut thru my skin like a blunt knife. He says " Didn't you find a Brahmin boy? Or a Hindu for that matter? You have embarrased us a great deal. No one has EVER done that in our family." This is when I am thinking, lets take one point of his at a time :

a) I might have found a Brahmin boy but he will NEVER find me :P. Seeing the way the men in my "brahmin" family treat the women, no thanks. Really. I can't wait for my husband to come home from work while I either don't go to work or come home early and cook. Just when I start to think "AAAh, I can eat the food I made", PSYCHE! I can't. I have to wait for him to come home and I have to wait for him to finish his dinner while I serve him. And if he is especially very hungry that day, I might just have no food left to feed my poor tummy.
b) Embarrased? You? I think not. My family is a walking embarrasment. I don't want to get into details on that one, my mom reads this shit. Take my word for it.
c) And it's not even true that no one has done that in our family. My first cousin married a christian, a few months back!! I know grampa has serious memory issues but this...!!

I also think,I dare not say these things out loud for his doc has asked me not to "provoke" him, he might go breathless and then the works. So, I shut up thinking I won't blog any of this, I only have to hear this for a few more months till I get married and leave. Just then, today he tells me the priest who is to conduct our wedding ceremony came home and was evidently "disappointed" I did this and that my family has to feed 4 brahmin boys a few days before the wedding as a sign of shame and asking our ancestors to forgive us. THAT DID IT! AAAAARGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!

But guess what? I am still extremely thrilled about my wedding, about spending the rest of my life with the guy I love with all my heart. But yeah ..l.. to those who think like my grampa( I still love him n all).

Lunch Box...

2007-09-21T00:13:00.000-07:00

I take lunch sometimes from home and I travel by an autorickshaw. Yesterday, I picked up my lunch box which I remmeber vividly had toast in it but when I landed at work, I see the lunch pack is not with me. I recollect I left it in the autorickshaw so I order lunch from a nearby hotel. I get back home in the evening and tell my Grama and mom that I left the box in the auto for which I got yelled at, a lil. Apparently, its my grama s favourite box. Wtf!

This morning I see the lunch box on my dining table. Apparently, I didn't take it to work at all yesterday. But in my head, when I found the box missing when I got to work, I strongly believed I left it back in the Auto. Infact, I remembered vividly taking it from home which I did not. Now why I am talking about this is cuz in my past relationships I have faced similar memory issues. I believe things that I WANT to as FACTS. And they are as real to me as sun rising in the East. And you can imagine the amount of chaos it must have caused in the life of people involved and my head, of course. Because, when people told me that the opposite of what I told them was the truth, it made me feel ummm.. ill. After which, I tried with all my heart and sole to imbibe the facts around me as they are and it seemed to be working out just fine until yesterday's incident happened. Bummer!

Cruel Intentions...

2007-08-28T01:28:00.000-07:00

Mr. A said “The smallest act of kindness is worth more than the grandest intention.”That is clearly not my belief. Mr. B said “Our intention creates our reality.”Now that, I strongly believe in. This works wonders when you are kind of person who cares only about yourself and your intentions. What if you are like me? What if the people you love accuse you eventhough yours intentions were good cuz it came off all messed up? My intentions are my reality. They are what I am made up of and I am an awesome person.

People make mistakes. Many at that. Who is to say what their intention was? Is it always that they think bad hence act that way? Well, it is easier for people to believe it and exhibit anger and animosity. But not for a moment do people pause and think "What if he didn't 'mean' it that way?" I am not saying that EVERY "bad" action has a "good" intention. I am saying, there could be a possibility which needs to be explored. Lets take, for example what Mr. B said. In the case of a schizophrenic, he might beat up his wife because in his "reality" she is plotting against him. His intention is to save himself. Is that a bad intention that leads to a bad act? Fine, ok you are probably thinking "There she goes..talking about schizophrenia again." Try to apply it to "normalcy" as well.

Also, another interesting observation about intentions is that sometimes when good intentions are conveyed the good way, people don't get it. They either see through it or take advantage of it. When a good intention is portrayed in a bad way (i.e., the person exhibiting the intention being an asshole), it works wonders. The other party is bound to hate the person but then, the end result is achieved. For example,
when two people break up but person 1 does not let go.It could be because of what he/she feels for person 2 and/or because person 2 is not being an asshole. Now person 2's intention is for person 1 to move on and be happy. In order to do that person 2 is forced to be a dick. And how does the world percieve this situation? "Oh that person 2 is such a bastard."

How important are intentions really? How do they change lives? Is it solely the actions that matter?

My friend and I were talking about this little "theory". He says:

"According to this theory, for a person to act upon their good intentions in life, they need to portray themselves as either a bastard or a whore. This theory works very similar to the theory “Utilitarianism”.

It occurred to me that people have always called me a bastard, even though I do so much for them. It then dawned upon me that though my intentions were always true and for the greater good, I always had to perform deeds which “normal” society would deem as “evil”. Even thought the final outcome brings happiness to the other party, there is no gratitude for my actions as I was the “bastard” I the whole series of events.

Take for example the simple case of giving money to a beggar, by this I mean a beggar who is completely capable of work and physical activities. By being a “bastard” and not giving him alms, society titles me as a person with no feelings for the needy. My intention was purely to help the bum. By giving him alms I am just making him lazy and thus preventing him from achieving his true potential. By not giving him alms, he is now forced to make a living and hence realize his true talent / potential. But does society recognize this?

Another example, I used to be in the scouts in school. We were taught to always “Be Prepared”. Now comes the time in life when I carry all the necessary tools I require to complete my task. There comes this person ‘X’ who is purely lethargic to bring their own tools and asks for a loan of my tools. Now I’m a giving person so I don’t mind helping out now and then. Its then I come to realize that this person is following this same process everyday and in the bargain because we are both sharing the same tool; our time is being lost for to complete our work. I realize that for both of us to work with maximum efficiency we both need to bring our own tools. Hence I decide to stop loans my tools to ‘X’. Et Voila! I’m the bastard again!! I’m criticized for not being a generous person and that I can’t help my fellow colleagues.

Hence I feel that for one to be a good person, and have “good intentions”, one HAS to be "evil". Similarly if ones intentions are wrong then all they need to be is a sweetheart. This is how messed up this world is!! "

Thus let me live,unseen,unknown...

2007-08-23T02:18:00.000-07:00

I organized a workshop that spoke about Reporting in CSR (Corporate Social Respponsibility). I agree it looks like latin to most of you. No, you are not dumb. I ll tell you what it is. Basically, CSR is a concept which is evolving at a very fast rate. It involves organizations giving something back to the society. At work, I identify the needs of the society and pesent it to these firms. They decide how they can be of help and believe me, even THAT has a selfish motive. Why am I working here? I need the cash right now. I hate to admit it, but its true.
So yesterday's workshop was about how to report the CSR initiatives so that the firms can benifit from it. This is something I fail to fathom. You are doing something for the society as your duty as a human being. Why expect recognition or anything in return, for that matter? Be santa. Give stuff to those who deserve it and vanish.

This one day workshop was held in the premises of a very well known company, with really good food. The whole day was spent in analysing how one can report their CSR activities using GRI G3. When I was having lunch today at work, I thought "Why are people this way? We run around, working all day to make cash. But why?" To lead a "comfortable" life? Perhaps. To save up for our future generation? Maybe. But does our lifestyle make an impact in the people we are from within? Does it give us time to think about what we really want? Does it give us the time we need with our loved ones?

As I sit here at work and type this out, I think how I am not helping people who are dying of hunger. I am thinking I want to be with my fiance instead of sitting all day, making selfish plans for companies. Why am I not sitting with my grandad who has been admitted in the hospital? We sadly live in a world which goes around because of moolah. We are forced to change our priorities. I guess all this is hitting me hard, now that I have been working for a while; making cash, spending it, making some more. I am tired of this already. I want to be doing what I REALLY feel like doing.

Was there ever a time when people were given top priority? when love healed all? I hope there was.

“I don't want to live. I want to love first, and live incidentally.”

~ Zelda Fitzgerald

He loved, he was killed...

2007-07-31T02:28:00.000-07:00

It is rather amusing the way people work when it comes to love.Love is all pervasive but at the same time is overrated in a very narrow sense. It is perceived as a romantic connection, in most cases. People have to be motivated to love. More often than not, they look for reinforcements. The so-called pure feeling is adultrated by negative feelings like jealousy, greed, lust, anger etc.

When a person learns to love genuinely, he is more open and vulnerable. The society takes advantage of this. To avoid this from happening,he builds a hard exterior. He forgets to love. He forgets to live.

I have loved, I have lived, I was battered. But I still love, I still live. And there is no better feeling than to love. Even if the person you feel it towards doesn't know or is not with you, the feeling makes you feel like a human being, at the end of the day. You feel at ease with yourself.

As clicheed as this may seem, feel love, for yourself and for others. If you feel you are incapable of feeling this way, look within. You will find the answers.

I came across a Hindi song called "In dino" from the movie "Life in a Metro"which was a movie with countless emotions. It depicted how complicated relationships get in a city life and how people deprive themselves of love for want of a greater feeling which is non-existant. The lyrics of the song are very touching and meaningful. I have translated it in English; might seem pretty cheesy, but you get the point :P

In dino, dil mera, mujhse hai keh raha , tu khaab
saja, tu ji le jara,

hai tujhe bhi izaazat, karle tu bhi muhabbat.

Berang si hai badi zindagi kuchh rang to bharoon,
main apani tanahaayi ke waaste ab kuchh toh karoon.

Jab mile thodi fursat, khudse karle muhabbat
hai tujhe bhi izaazat, karle tu bhi muhabbat

Usako chhupaakar main sabse kabhi le chaloon
kahin door…
aankhon ke pyaalon kse pita rahoon usake chehre ka noor.

Iss jamaane se chhupakar , puri karloon main
hasrat
hai tujhe bhi izaazat, karle tu bhi muhabbat.

In English :-S

These days my heart tells me to dream , to live a
little,
Even you have permission, even you can love.

Colorless is life let me fill it with some
colors,
Let me do something about this lonliness in my
life,

When you get a bit of time, love yourself a
little,
Even you have permission, even you can love.

Let me hide her from others and take her far
away,
With the pails of my eyes I was drinking from the
beauty of her face,

Let me hide myself from time and fulfill my
desires,
Even you have permission, even you can love.

Narcotics are a joke!!

2007-07-20T02:35:00.000-07:00

From what I have heard, being in love gets people high and weird. To me, its exactly like a weed trip. I have not really experienced it but I am saying this from what I have heard from dopeheads. I feel cozy and I smile to myself like a retard. I eat a lot. I laugh excessively. Everything basically slows down. Sigh..what a trip! Oh and boy is it addictive!

Here is something funny I read:

My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that your 54 year old body can no longer supply. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be perturbed - I shall be back home before midnight . When he came home, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. At the same time I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, my tennis coach who, like your secretary, is also 18 years old. As a successful businessman and with your excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference: 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18 Therefore, I will not be back before lunch time tomorrow.

I have been compulsively thinking what I want to write about and I ended up writing a "poem". This is pretty much how dopeheads write. I have no clue what the poem conveys. This week has been very eventful and too many things have been happening in too little time. Is that a good thing? Only time will tell. What I do know is that I am comfortable being happy. I am enjoying this feeling for it is far better than not being loved in return or him telling you that you have all the qualities that he hates in a person.I am surprised I survived all that. And I thank those people who have made me a stronger and a better human being. They have hurt me, cared for me, spited me, touched me. I loved them with all I had, lied to them, hurt them and I still love them. Wow, I am random today. Anyway, here is the poem.

Did he die for your sins? Did he pay the real price?
Did he feel the real pain? Did he plead and cry?
If he died for your sins, will you not sin again?
If he bled for your pleasures, what is it that you gain?
The cross eclipsed the sun, the day was dark,
Was that the end or the start? what did his suffering mark?
They still lie and hurt, when they take his name,
When he died, died humanity; as he took all the blame.

Yes, I need therapy.

I made you up....

2007-07-16T09:37:00.000-07:00

Mad Girl's Love Song

"I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
I think I made you up inside my head.

The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
I think I made you up inside my head.

God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade:
Exit seraphim and Satan's men:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I fancied you'd return the way you said,
But I grow old and I forget your name.
I think I made you up inside my head.

I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
I think I made you up inside my head."

- Sylvia Plath

And she found it...

2007-07-11T21:33:00.000-07:00

When I watch a chick flick (which I normally don't), I get pretty irritated. Why? Cuz I didn't believe those events actually happen. Girl, guy fall magically in love. Guy proposes. They live happily ever after. Not to forget, the mind-blowing first kiss. But you know what? They do happen. Life is not full of shit, actually. There is ALWAYS a reason why things happen. I know that sounds like a cheesy way to justify the shitty past BUT it is true. If you had a depressing heart break, there is a reason for it besides the fact that one of you fucked up real bad. And you will know the reason at some point in the future.

I did. I wondered for years together why things happen the way they do. And when something good happened, I d know its not for real, I d wait for things to go bad. That was the perpetual pattern of events. But now, it's all happening. For real. And I am happy. Very happy. This time, I am not going to let anything bring me down. NOTHING. I deserve this and I am going to enjoy every bit of it like cinderella or any other miserable girls from the chick flicks. Yaay!!

Happy(?) Birthday...

2007-06-28T12:09:00.000-07:00

Hey Bro,

I was going to leave a post on your blog but I decided not to. Happy birthday. I miss you. I used to think you are around, watching over me and shit. Do I think that now? I don't know. That feeling used to help me get thru the times I miss you. Now that I don't believe that...you know where I am going with this.

I just hope you are fine wherever you are. I miss your hugs, I miss you calling me "sis" hundred times a day, I miss all our pranks, I miss crying like a baby when I heard about your plans of moving to the US. Where the fuck did you move to now? I know you are nowhere close to me. Just give me the strength to carry on with life without you in it.

Heh. It's been a year and a half. I am mad, aren't I? You always knew that :)

I love you, Bro...

Ode on a grecian urn...

2007-06-24T09:49:00.000-07:00

This is a self-portrait of my grampa taken on his cell phone :)

I have always been meaning to write about my grandad who is by far the most awesome person I have come across. I have lived with him all my life and I have seen him transforming into a very old sick man from..well..a healthy old man.

He served in the Indian army for what seems like an eternity. Thanks to his stories about his army life. His mental age is not more than 25 years, anyday. He thinks the way I do in many ways although he can get painfully annoying at times. I guess that comes with the wonderful package called "old age". He gets extremely repitative at times. And I don't think people understand what it feels like to be told something 20 times non-stop. I am not even exagerrating here. He married my grama when he was 30 years old (She was 16! Yikes!). They NEVER got along too well but I guess, they learnt to live with each other over time. Their fights couldn't get any sillier. They could be the only reason I think about not getting married :).

My grampa is stubborn, authoritative, loving ( but has a weird way to express it, mostly by shouting)and organized. He is the only 86 year old gadget freak I have seen! He has a cell phone (although he is at home 24 7) because he believes it is a "necessity". He is weird in many cute ways. Yes, I blame the weirdness on the genes. He has a damn bell near his bed to call for my grama. No no. It is not a bell that goes "Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrring". This goes "Jingle bell jingle bell...". He talks to me about everything including his escapades as a young boy.

He used to be a bundle of energy, always wanting to know what I am upto on the computer, which boy I am talking to over the phone, messing around with the dvd player, eating every edible item in the kitchen. Now, he is just old. Very old. He has lost 20 kilos over a matter of few months. He hardly eats anything. He cannot think of a day without his oxygen cylinder. He doesn't talk as much.

Thatha (as I call him), is pertrified of death. It is pretty surprising, considering he is from the Army. When he feels a little uncomfortable, he will want to be rushed to the hospital. I remember when I had to take him to the hospital at 3 am. The doctor said he was about to leave and that there is pretty much nothing they can do about it. They tied up his hand and legs as he was unconsciously moving under the influence of drugs. I waited outside the glass door, staring at him, asking him to hold on. A few hours later, his pulse was almost back to normal. The doctors said it was a miracle. Thatha has had close encounters of this kind one too many times. But I know for a fact that he will not leave till he WANTS to. He has the will to hang on and enjoy every breathing moment of his life.

I feel extremely sad seeing him this way, right now. But I just hope he does not suffer. He has been a dad to me and I cannot possibly imagine a day without him.

Grandma and Grandpa, tell me a story and snuggle me with your love. When I'm in your arms, the world seems small and we're blessed by the heavens above.

-Laura Spiess

Say it isn't so...

2007-06-18T10:34:00.000-07:00

Ah, it's nice to be back after two very eventful weekends and loads of work during the week. Has my life changed in any way? Not like you care but yes, very much so. How, we will not get into.

I was away with Lauren last weekend to Pondicherry. Cheap (nice, nonetheless) hotel, beautiful beaches, lovely roads (I live in Chennai, what did you expect!) and oh yes, the ayurvedic massage. How can I possibly not mention that? Let's just say there is very fine line between getting an awesome massage and getting abused. So, question the touch :P. Last weekend, we were at Mahabalipuram. More beach, some work, some delicious nutella pancakes.

While I was away, "Shivaji" got released. ** Text deleted for I might get killed for my personal opinion on the movie. If you want to comment on the video, do it at your own risk. It was great knowing you.**

Man(?) of the year...

2007-06-03T10:28:00.000-07:00

Shocked? Is this for real? Is this "ethically" correct? What do you feel when you see the video? I know you feminists are getting off seeing this ( No, I am not one of them). I personally believe that men and women have set gender roles to play which is considered natural. This "process" for one is breaking that cosmic harmony, that way of nature. Eventually, I am positive this will lead to nothing but negative result of some sort.

I was talking to one of my friends about it and sharing with her my feelings about male pregnancy and she quoted these words: " When God is showing us the way, why not follow it?" This was wrt male pregnancy. I refused to argue with her for it could have led to some hardcore violence. There is a "Science" to this piece of shit process. I mean, yes, science is developing at the speed of light BUT wake up, you "scientists". Draw a goddamn line!

To me, this is no worse than boob implants or a nose job. Actually, I take that back. This is worse. It is against nature. Yes, this is my personal opinion. But think about this. What will the man's emotional state be before, during and after pregnancy? What kind of relationship will the child share with the father? Moreover, aren't we already sulking about population explosion? I have heard people say " Be a part of the solution". Well, I certainly do not think getting a guy pregnant is a very smart solution to that problem.

You know what? Maybe this whole male pregnancy thing is a damn scam. That rhymed, lol!

Nature is just enough; but men and women must comprehend and accept her suggestions.

~ Antoinette Brown Blackwell

My time machine...

2007-05-30T03:56:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I met a friend after ten years. Why am I writing about it? Could be because I am taking a break at work, but really I don't know. It was extremely overwhelming for me to see her and talk to her. We had ten years of "catching up" to do. We were inseparable from kindergarden till fifth grade. Something trivial happened and she stopped talking to me. It was shocking to know that she didn't remember why she cut me off. That period had a major impact on my life back then as I didn't really know anything outside of her. When she cut me off, I resorted to "rebound" friends who I couldn't give a shit about right now.

It turns out that both of us are similar in many ways. I shouldn't be surprised considering how close we were but then I wouldn't think of it that way as we were "young". Like Freud says, the first few years of a child moulds his personality. It consitutes the elements he will carry all his life. The other traits he acquires are obvious off-shoots of his core personality. I think, that way, both of us formed similar personality structures. We could relate to each other on every level in such a short span of our reunion. I, for one, remember every trivial detail of the past which apalled her. That, I think, essentially shows how important those events are to me.

We were talking about the time in kindergarden when we danced for "Brown girl in the ring" and we were sad we didn't get to play the "brown girl". We were random little girls in pink. Bleh! And about the time when we played cricket and the umpire (a guy) favoured the other team because he had a crush on one of the girls and more arbit shit.

Although, we were not in touch for ten years, deep down inside it feels like we have grown up together.

"Memory is a way of holding on to the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose."

- Kevin Arnold

What's in a name?!

2007-05-21T11:08:00.000-07:00

I belong to the Brahmin Community and I have never been too proud of it (you will know why if you click on THIS). And you can use my comments area to diss us. So, my first cousin, who is obviously another brahmin, married a catholic which is considered worse than hilter killing a million jews. Why? Because we are brahmins.

All the Brahmin bitching aside, this is what happened. He told his parents, who are my uncle and aunt , that he was in love with Annie and was going to marry her. This cousin is like 27 years old. And as expected, the drama begin. They threatened to disown him, which didn't bother him much. But he respects them so he waited for them to change their mind. I would too, if I were him. But then, he 's getting older by the day, yeah? He needs to procreate and keep em lil brahmins comin' , so he decided to get married to her.

The day was fixed and he invited his parents who obviously did not show up as they did not even believe him. Talk about denial! Sigh... So they "disowned" him for less than 24 hours and "accepted" Annie into out family. Why the quotes? There are RULES:

1. She disowns her family.

2. She will do everything that her in-laws ask her to ( this is more of an implicit rule).

3. She will change her name to Deepa ( which is definitely more acceptable than Annie, being a Hindu name).

The list of rules is pretty big but I am stopping here as my post concentrates on rule #3. I have ALWAYS hated my name. Mostly because it is a very common Indian name. It does mean "beloved" and all but still..eehhh. I have always thought of alternate names for myself mainly because it does not feel too awesome when someone calls out your name and it's not you they are calling esp. when it is a cute guy. The pain!!

So anyway, the couple visited us this weekend and I had to call her "Deepa" because that was her "new" and improved (?) name! Yes, I fucked up and call her Annie a few times. And yes, I got yelled at by my grand parents for that. But I found it pretty amusing. A little later, I thought about it from her side. I mean, when people start calling you something different all of a sudden after say 27 years of your life, how would you feel? As a baby, you learn to respond when people call out your name and you build your self image around it. When you talk to yourself , you use your name (well, at least I do :P and if you think it is abnormal, ignore that statement). And then, it's bad enough you are getting married, you have to change your name as well!

The one thing that you thought you can call yours all your life. **Pscyhe!**

"The thing that a lot of people cannot comprehend is that Mother Nature doesn't have a bullet with your name on it, she has millions of bullets inscribed with 'to whom it may concern."

- Random person with a sense of humor.

"Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.” - Will Rogers

2007-05-04T12:24:00.000-07:00

Scott and I were riding by this hoarding. He is a photographer (also) and I blog (also) so we decided to stop his enfield and capture this poster that speaks for itself. Head of two men on M.K Stalin's crotch. One cannot possibly miss the circled picture. I am not willing to comment on it though. I am spellbound and words fail me.

Yes, these people indeed belong to the government who run the state in which I live. Yippppeee!!!

I remember the days when...

2007-05-02T11:32:00.000-07:00

Although I have been through events that have changed my life in a drastic manner, never did I actually realize the point of transformation unlike today. I started working today at CII. No, this is not my first job. I have worked for an AIDS NGO earlier when I was in college. So it was studies and work.

Today, when I set foot into the office, I felt like there was a sudden spurt in my growth hormone. That didn't come out right, did it? I could actually see myself changing from this crazy, messed up girl to a crazy, messed up girl who can handle real responsibilities. It dawned upon me that this was it. This was a huge deal. I had to make it somehow to get somewhere in life. During my coffee break on the rooftop, I was getting to know my colleagues when I thought I needed some alone time. So, I walked towards the parapet wall from where I could see most of the city. I thought about the times when I was in the same place on my terrace. I always thought, " Would it hurt if I fell off?" , "Would I be happier then?", "Will they cry for me?".

But this time, I told myself "I have to live, I have to get there." I do know that if I got back to my terrace I might just get back to thinking the way I always do but today made a difference. I 'd rather not elucidate on the compulsive suicidal ideation as a progenitor reads this. So moving on to the rest of the day.

I decided I needed to get some formal wear ( No no, there aren't any cute guys at work). Normally, when I go shopping, this is how it works and I was extremely proud of it. My friends absolutely hated me for it though. I walk in, pick up clothes in less than 2 min. Waist- 28, Shirts/dress and the like- S (Small). I would seldom try them on while my friends would take hours to decide what to get. Today, was a rude awakening. I walk in, pick up my clothes in less than 2 min and then pause, think to myself "These are expensive clothes, try them on." So, I confidently walk in to the changing room and guess the hell what? The pants won't go beyond my thigh! I look down and tears rolled down my face. What I was witnessing had never happened to me before. I was thinking about how delighted my friends would be on hearing this incident. So, anyway, not like I could reduce how many ever pounds I had gained in a few seconds by sheding them extra tears. I walked to the counter, asked for a 30 :-( and it fit me.

I hope people don't live to see days like this.

Amen.

Coming undone...

2007-04-29T09:05:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking for a while now about writing something about myself. But then, I wasn't too sure as I didn't want to go "public" but then I am comfortable about being me, so feel free to bitch in the comments section. This is only a small part of me. So don't you dare think "Bah! She is shallow."

The things i like (on a "deep" level) :

People . All kinds. Snooty, bitchy, innocent, raging alcoholics, serial killers...all of them. Why? Maybe because I did Psychology and I believe that we are what we are purely because of circumstances. The genes can be blamed a little; which means that the individual per say, is not "bad". I like seeing the other side of people which I strongly believe exists in each and every one of us. So, according to my "theory", everyone is good. ( You are free to exclude me though :P )

Music. Why is that "deep"? I associate music to people and events in my life. Every single day and every single person I have come come across. ( Now you know why I loop songs ). Music gets me highly nostalgic and I enjoy it, it freezes that person/ event in my mind. If I do listen to new songs, I connect them to people from my past/ present. So, every song on my playlist holds some meaning to me.

Home footwear. You think I am crazy. I am not going to defend myself for you might be right. I think it shows how guarded I am. I might seem like I let go with many people but I realyl don't. My past experiences have taught me how dangerous it can be to do so, although I don't like the idea of holding back. I need footwear 24/7. I can't walk barefeet. This is a habit I developed a few months back and it shows I have learnt.

Love. Yeah, yeah sounds supremely cliché. Love, to me in something purely internal. If you feel it, that will do. It does not need any justification or meaning. The person you love might hate you, and that inturn might hurt you. That hurt is superficial, it will go away (without alcohol as well). But at the end of the day, you feel love. I think any human being who feels love is blessed.

My face. Yes, I am self-gay despite all the flaws i possess. But this is not what you think it is. The way I look everyday reflects my mood. People who know me very well, which a hand full, can read it. It is not about a bad hair day or the lack of make-up. My face is highly transparent (or so I think). I like the way I show the world what I really am (although I have not been this way forever). They have to be smart enough to decipher it :P

Movies. I watch movies that I can relate to on some level. If I don’t know what the movie is about, I seldom agree to watch it. When I watch a movie, I become the character that is the center of attention in a particular scene. I feel exactly what they feel and I cry and laugh with them.

Beauty. I see beauty in every single thing around me. I might call something hideous just to seem “normal” and go with the group’s ideology. But in reality, I see a hint of beauty in the most “ugliest” object as well. I guess that is in artist in me thinking.

The things I like (on a "not-so-deep" level):

Autopsy. Yeah, you heard it right. And like I said, you are free to call me crazy. The first time I witnessed an autopsy, I felt more alive than ever. You see a baby smile at you and you feel warm from within, you see a dead body being chopped into tiny pieces, what do you feel then? I felt like I was evolving into a stronger person.

Ocean. Again, pretty cliché. I am a water sign, to start with and the ocean speaks volumes to me. After a tiring day in the city where you find all kinds of people everywhere and you interact with then constantly either directly or indirectly. At the end of all this drama, when I sit in front of the ocean, I feel like it’s been waiting for me to arrive. My moods sway according to the tides and we share an unbreakable bond.

Clothes. Woman thing. I am very keen about dressing in comfortable clothes that are stylish in their own way. I do not like repeating clothes. The clothes I wear mostly reflect my mood but then, I don’t think that is very noticeable. I don’t like brands, partly because I can’s afford them on a regular basis :P Off late, I have been trying to change my wardrobe due to the sudden weight gain which upsets me greatly.

Planning. I am not a very systematic person. But that does not mean I do not like planning. I think plans motivate me to act. That’s about it. I like knowing I have something to do; whether I do it or not, is a totally unrelated issue.

Analyzing. Should this be in the “deep” level section? Ah well. I try to analyze and rip every situation into tiny pieces and reconstruct them with various “what if” clause. This is pretty enlightening as well as entertaining at the same time.

The things I don’t like:

Hatred and any associated negative feelings. See? I can be normal. I think that the world goes around because of the energy that we, as human beings give each other. I guess you see where I am going with this. In a nutshell, passing of negative feelings from one person to another prevents one from evolving.

Hype. I dislike anything that creates hype. I think many people play along because they think they have to or they might be considered untouchables or something. For example: I seldom watch movies that create hype and unwanted drama, be it because of the story line or the cast. I do not appreciate hype.

Sun. If you live in someplace where you seldom see sun and hate that, please do visit Chennai. I am pretty dusky myself, under normal temperatures. And in Chennai, we are gifted to experience the joy of summer 8 months in a year. The maximum temperatures shoot up to anywhere between 40 to 45 degree Celsius and we are a developing country. Not all our buildings have air conditioning facilities. End result- I look like I had a freak accident at the tan salon.

Math. Something I will never learn to remotely like. I have tried all the possible strategies to get away from it. I took up Psychology hoping I won’t have to face the horror that is numbers but noooooooo..I had statistics. Bleeeh! I will continue my fight and I hope to lead a math-free life soon.

Not disliking too many things. Weird eh? True though. I don’t dislike too many things. I either learn to like or have a neutral stance about most things I dislike, which makes it tougher for me to make a distinction between the good, bad and ugly.

My life has been one great big joke,

A dance that's walked,

A song that's spoke,

I laugh so hard I almost choke,

When I think about myself.

~Maya Angelou

Am I making sense or is it the migraine?

2007-04-19T11:26:00.000-07:00

Scott and I went to Ernavur ( a fishing community outside of Chennai) and spoke with several women who sold their kidneys to brokers and were cheated out of the majority of what they were promised. From there we followed the leads until we ended up in the office of someone who sits on the Transplant Ethics Committee who told us that they had unofficially sanctioned the organ trade for the last 13 years.

More than 500 people across the state of Tamil Nadu say they've sold their kidneys to organ brokers, in violation of a ban enacted in 1994. Since then, however, the agency responsible for enforcing the ban has frequently turned a blind eye. As a result, they were not able to take proper post-surgery care and were affected by severe health problems.

"We do everything in accordance with the letter of the law on paper, but we know that almost all of the documents we see are false," said a member of Tamil Nadu's Transplant Authorization Committee, who spoke to Wired News on condition of anonymity. "It is an open secret. It is either, approve a transplant with forged documents, or a patient is going to die."

Well, why do you think these people are driven to sell their kidney? Yes, they are absolutely poverty striken. Mostly, because of the Tsunami. It is very clear that the "dealing" is illegal. But how do you think this issue came out in the open. The Social Worker of this particular community , Eranavoor, where 36 women had sold their kidneys came forward to demand the cash they were promised. Even then, the (il)legality of the issue was not considered by the "victims" or the "Social Worker". I guess priorities change when one doesn't know if they are going to have the next meal.

Having said that, let me tell you the next scenario that I worked at- the nephrology department in a hospital. Here, majority of the patients, of all age groups, were undergoing dialysis. They mostly belonged to the lower socio economic backgroud, like the pwople who sold their kidneys. I came across the caregivers (mostly parents) of young patients who were desperate for money (one time dialysis costs Rs.900 and they had to undergo this procedure thrice a week till they find a kidney donor).

If you are still thinking what my point is, c'mon admit it. You are slow. I was in two scenarios- one in which I was trying to help children who were fighting for their lives and second in which I was trying to play my part in fighting against illegal organ (kidney) transplant. All of a sudden, I realized that I was supporting two causes that are against (almost) each other. What should really be done about this? Is there even a solution to this dilemma?

Scene 1-

What would you do if you became a mother at the age of 13 and 13 years later your daughter began having children? How would you respond when your daughter attempts to commit suicide by taking rat poison because her in-laws were harassing her for dowry she couldn't afford? When your daughter had medical bills she couldn't pay and the hospital threatened to kick her out on the street how far would you go? Would you sell a kidney to help her? How would you feel if after the procedure the broker you contacted absconded with most of the money she promised you AND you can't do anything much for a living as your body is faced with numerous complications?

Scene 2-

What would you do if your 12 year old son is struggling for his life? How would you react if your son was given a kidney that was NOT legally operated? How far would you go to save your son's life? Would you rather try to pay for his dialysis all his life or would you find a kidney broker and beg him to save his life? How would you feel if before the procedure you found out that hundereds of women are being cheated (financially) and have many physiological ailments because of the same broker?

Flash(y) News...

2007-04-17T05:00:00.000-07:00

I was shocked, like many others to know about the shooting rampage that took place in Virginia tech on 16th April'07 which has left 33 people, including a gunman, dead . What shocked me even more was the sequence of events telecasted on many Indian "news" channels.

This is exactly how it goes. First, was obviously(?) the news about the incident in Virginia. The news that followed that was about Richard Gere kissing Shilpa Shetty on her cheeck on the stage during an AIDS prevention programme and how the actor's conduct didn't go down well with the Shiv Sainiks who demonstrated in Mumbai on Monday where Shilpa was shooting for her film Metro.

After 15 minutes of interviewing Shilpa Shetty and playing the "video" a hundred million times, the news reporter decided to go to the next important news which is undoubtedly an even which decides the future of our nation- Aishwarya Rai and Abhishek Bachan's wedding. What about the wedding, one might ask. It is not about how pointless this news or for that matter, this wedding is, it is not about how Indians give importance to the lousiest of events. It is about the place from where the ladoos for their wedding is going to come from. Shocked? Better be. And it is not like this news lasted for two or three minutes. 20 whole frikking minutes! It was carefully broken down into a series of sub-"news" scenes.

Firstly, the history about choosing this ladoo shop in Kanpur was highlighted after which the owner was interviewed. He says in Hindi, pretty shamelessly actually, about how, even if he is not allowed to remotely participate in the ceremony, he would send in 51 kilos of ladoo. Then, some random people expressed their happiness about the ceremony. Next, a few people spoke about how heart-broken and chronically depressed they were because the ceremony is being made an extremely private affair.

Wow! And we think about the "development" of our nation. It doesn't really take a rocket scientist to realize that our nation is going down the drain at a rapid rate with such indifferent and callous attitude of its citizens.

She's breathing...

2007-04-16T09:28:00.000-07:00

His thoughts struggle to stay in her memory,
As the dawn breaks, his face she will see,

He is safe in her head, his new adobe she thinks,
She will not let him go this time, in his arms she sinks,

His touch, his taste, that smile she sees again,
She misses him no more, his presence makes her sane,

He never loved her; she didn’t deserve his love,
His stare so cold, she still felt warmth, she wondered how,

All the sadness, all the pain, is all this fair in love and war?
He won’t look back, won’t love her back just like before,

Distance is not her enemy; he might be oceans apart,
Holding him in her heart, a new life she will start.

A for Apple, B for Bat...M for Money!

2007-04-15T06:44:00.000-07:00

I have been in a pretty lousy mood as I hate studying for exams. I don't study but I hate the very idea of it. This was not true until I finished my undergraduation in Psychology. Is it because I am getting old to write exams? I think not. I believe that the drive to hate exams and college life in general was instilled by the college I stepped in for Masters in Social Work. I am 22 years old (chronologically. Mentally maybe a few a years younger under certain circumstances). But from the time I joined this "educational institution," I was made to feel like I was either 2 years old or 40 years old. Initially, I would do all my work on time and yet "get into trouble" some some trivial shit which I didn't even know existed! And then, I slowly stopped doing my work on time because I couldn't care less. Then, I almost stopped attending classes. I would go to college once a week, on an average. And then, I got into trouble. This felt a lot more satisfying. I earned it!

The professors are a whole other story in this college. This is how they converse and I am not exagerrating one bit to make this post sound funny or whatever.

Me: Sir, May I come in?

Prof: Es, fleese. ( Translated in human lingo as "Yes, please.")

Me: Sir, I haven't been keeping too well, the past week. Here is my leave letter. (YES! We give leave letters. The last I did that was when I was 12!)

Prof: I am not be care why you are can't able to came to callache. If you are be die, you are be die here. Attendence is be low for you and we are can't able letted you to sat for exams of yours. (Whew! Yes, I have to translate this into sane lingo in my head all the time and now I am proud(?) to tell you that I am an expert at it. By this he means, " I couldn't give a rat's ass about why you don't come to college. If you fuckin' die, you die here. You have low attendence and we cant fucking let you write your exams." Minus all the profanity.)

Me: I request you to excuse me this time, Sir. This will not be repeated.

Prof: Getted out! You are wrote a letter saying you are came to callache in regular from tomorrow. (" Get out! Give it to me in writing that you will be regular to college from tomorrow.")

This is only one of the many similar conversations between the professors I try to ignore and me. So this one time I ask for a recommendation letter and guess the hell what? They ask me for Rs. 1500 for 10 reco letters! Have you heard of any "educational institution" that does that? Hell freaking no. That is not even it. I was not carrying that much cash then so I told them I'd pay them the next day. But noooooo! The baby wants candy NOW. Even if they thought I would never pay them, that's insanely..umm..what's the word I am looking for? STUPID. Because they have all my original certificates and I intend to get my Masters degree. So, I borrow cash from a friend and pay them because I want to letters ASAP. And what happens? They won't give it to me right away. And they ask me to come the next day. So finally, I paid them the cash and didn't get my reco letters on time. This, again is only one of those incidents that highlight how insanely money-minded my college is.

Also, before I joined, it said in the handbook that admissions were purely based on merit (and quota system, of course!). I hope the word "purely" means what I think it does because half of my classmates i.e., around 25 of them paid their way into college. It's funny to think people are willing to pay for slow death. Seriously though, where does all this money go? We do not have a canteen , nor do we have water in the toilets. Oh oh but what we have, is a headmistress who owns an awesome awesome car. How did that happen?

One of the boys who is supposedly a junior almost made a physical move on a girl who also belongs to our college after having passed vulgar comments. He was drunk. In college premises. So this girl goes to the principal for help. Bad move. Why? Because this boy is the son of an obscenely rich prick who runs an NGO and well, let's just say this a-hole got himself a big house a few months after tsunami. So obviously, this rich prick "helps" the college. When this girl went for help to the principal, the boy was made to apologize. Period. When this girl brought in her parents, the principal begged them to let it go. We, as students protested against this. What happened? We were asked to shut the hell up.

Once I am done with these goddamn exams, I am planning to burn that place down (after getting back my original certificates, of course). Anyone who wants to join this noble cause or support it, may do so.

Uncyclopedia unraveled!

2007-04-13T11:52:00.000-07:00

What is Uncyclopedia?

The word "Uncyclopedia" comes from the Bad Latin word "Uncyclopædium", and originated in Time II. Three more-commonly-agreed-upon etymologies and four less-commonly-agreed-upon are commonly-agreed-upon.

From "Unus Encyclopædium"

The word "uncyclopædium" is said by some to have originated from the words Unus meaning one, and Encyclopædium, meaning an encyclopedia.
It therefore means The Only (authorative) Encyclopedia, which, according to various estoric sources was the original name given to the land of Uncyclomedia by Oscar Wilde.

From "Un-" + "Cyclos" + "Encyclopædium"

The word "uncyclopædium" is also said to be a portmanteau of the words "uncycle" and and Encyclopædium, meaning simply an encyclopedia with decreased number and impact of cycles on computational tractability.
The proponents of the theory (mostly computer nerds and programmers) say that leading "un" in the Uncyclopedia name is sometimes interpreted as coming from the word Unus meaning one (and say that it is actually an example of linguistic false friends) to give the expanded versions like "The Only Encyclopedia", "One Footed Tornado", or connection of the word with unicycles, either those of the graph theory or those of real world.

From Doctor Who

The occasional loon in the psycho ward has claimed that the word, in fact, came from an episode of Doctor Who. In the episode, The Doctor used a device called an "Uncyclopedia" (or occasionally "Oncylopaedia") to scramble all history in time and space to the user's advantage.
It has been considered one of the most worthwhile moments in television history, apart from the infamous Donny Osman Dart episode of the Rosie O'Donnell show. This is the most popular explanation for the site's name by Doctor Who nerds, but not by any sensible people.

What does Uncyclopedia have to say on Men?

“I think that God in creating Man somewhat overestimated his ability.”

~ Oscar Wilde on men

“There are two kinds of men. The ones who pull their cock out on the merry go round, and the ones that masturbate when their cock is out at the merry go round.”

~ Possibly George Carlin but im too buzzed to be sure on men

“What the hell... men went WAAAAAY better than women... Besides, I am one!”

~ God on the creation of men

Men are defined as a breed of dog that oddly resembles a human, nonetheless, more civilized and intelligent than "women", as women are a type of demon. The distinguishing trait being penises, unless they're she-males, in which case they're women. The penis is a tube-like object that is the cause of much distraction to men, especially when it comes to deciding whether to go to work or touch the penis all day. Men are factually known to be less intelligent than a half eaten dog brain. Their natural habitat is in front of the TV, where they watch football games and drink beer, sometimes emerging from the musky depths of their living rooms to die (if they can be bothered). A majority of men suffer from erectile dysfunction and are bald.

What Uncyclopedia has to say about women?

A woman is not a womyn or a wyf or a wyfman. She is someone who has not decided to affiliate with feminism or Middle English in any way. She is probably very normal, but in an attempt to prove male dominance, only one out of ten (male) doctors agree with this assessment.

For thousands of years, men have been searching for a final solution to the women problem. They have yet to execute any permanent measures and experts are beginning to admit grudgingly that women might be here to stay.
Notable characteristics include chocolate blood, 15 GHz multi-tasking capabilities, and an innate hunger for shopping.

I know this is one pointless post but thats how I abuse free web-space AND thats how much I am in love with uncyclopedia.org NOT com. Sigh...

Unborn melody...

2007-04-07T01:05:00.000-07:00

Rescue her...

2007-04-06T08:48:00.000-07:00

Flashes of the past haunted her mind again. This time, she felt every moment of it, when they went wrong, when they touched her. She thought back , one of those incidents prominent in her mind.

She was playing with her dolls. She loved them. They loved her back, she thought. She lived in her own little world with her dolls. The world where she was happy with them and chocolates and ice creams.

Her mom started working when she was 3 months old. She barely got to see her. Today, she felt extra lonely, a feeling no 6 year old ought to feel. She ran to her dad, "Daddy, play with me." He looked at her and said what she always heard him say , " They are watching me. They will get me." She never understood what he meant. Disappointed, she ran back to her room, where her dolls were waiting for her. She heard a knock on her door. Petrified, she hid behind the curtains. She knew he would open the door and come in, anyway. She could hear footsteps nearing her. She held on to the curtains as though it was a cloak of invisibility. She closed her eyes real tight that it actually hurt. She heard him pulling the curtains, he was getting closer. She froze like always. She knew what was about the happen. She knew what she was about to feel. Again, she wished the ground split open and she fell hundred feet below like she had seen in some sci-fi flick. Again, that did not happen.

He touched her shoulder. Suddently, she felt like she wasn't herself. She left her body, now she could see herself feeling ugly, helpless. She wished she could help what she was witnessing, what her body was undergoing. She stayed away from her body, in a dark corner of the room and watched. After a while, she saw him say something to her body. She did not want to hear it, but she moved closer. He said "Thank you, dear. Don't tell anyone what happened here. I love you and this is how people express their love. I will be back soon." She stood there, naked and used. Her body still shaking, she managed to get her clothes back on.

For the first time, she felt inner pain, growing inside her and what was worse? She knew this was not the end. She realized this was the beginning to her end. She stared at her sweaty palms, the ones he had used to touch him. "Am I a bad person?" she thought to herself.

She looked outside the window, saw children of her age playing, they seemed happy and carefree. Her innocence had been stolen forever today. It had been snatched away from her and thrown into the wrecks of humanity. Tears filed her eyes and for the first time, she cried all alone. Cried for her soft body that had been bruised by rough hands. Cried for her childhood that had been tainted with filth for the rest of her life.

Yes / No...

2007-04-01T09:46:00.000-07:00

Ok, so today the man's folks AND the man came home. You are thinking "Who man? What folks?" Here is a quick run through of events and facts, for people who do not belong to India.

The concept of "Arranged Marriage" in Brahmin Community.

According to me, marriage is just a formality in which the couple tells the whole world they are together. It is a social institution. Only, if my family members heard me say this , I d be disowned or even worse, treated as an outcast.

"Arranged Marriage" is probably an alien term to a lot of you out there. In India, even in the year 2007 , it is sadly not. So, this is what happens. Traditionally, Hindu parents look for a prospective match for their son/daughter from their own community also known as arranged marriage. Elders in the family and parents seek the prospective match through word of mouth within the community. The use of jathakam (astrological chart at the time of birth) of the son/daughter to match with the help of a priest is common, but not universal. Parents also take advice from the brahmin priest who has details of many people looking to get married. Some communities, like the Brahmins in Mithila, use genealogical records ("Panjikas") maintained by the specialists.

Jathakam is drawn based on the placement of the stars and planets at the time of birth. The maximum points for any match can be 36 and the minimum points for matching is 18. Any match with points under 18 is not considered as an auspicious match for a harmonial relationship. If the astrological chart of the two individuals (male and female) achieve the required threshold in points then further talks are considered for prospective marriage. Also the man and woman are given chance to talk and understand each other in the duration anywhere from 15 minutes to one hour. Once there is an agreement then an auspicious time is chosen for the wedding to take place.

Here is what happens in a Brahmin community besides the above. The man and his parents visit the woman's house . She is made to wear a saree and serve coffee ( a beverage brahmin's cannot live without and I am not even exaggerating). And of course, act coy and the works. After which the man and woman are allowed to talk for a few minutes and confess their "undying" and "eternal" love for the stranger sitting next to them. Now, where do I feature in all of this? That is right, smartypants. I was the "woman" today. How did it turn out? Your guess is good! Disastrous. Why?

1. I do not believe in getting to know a person in a matter of 15 minutes which I think is the sanest part of me.

2. I cannot "act" shy to save my thumb.

3. I have not yet mastered the art of fake smiling without making it obviously fake.

4. I do not believe in a male dominated married life since I have been a witness to it all my life (No, I m not a raging feminst either. Equality is good).

Anyway, so my parents ordered food from outside for the "guests" and guess what? They won't eat till I say "Yes, I will marry him" while thinking "What's his name again?" So they sit around waiting for my answer for about an hour . You may ask why I did not tell them I m not up for this. Well, simple. This is how it works in our family and if I do something like that my family gets a bad reputation or something like that. I tell mom to tell them I say "No". But my mom wants me to say otherwise. I lock myself up in the loo because I am so frustrated with all of us. Thanks poopy ( thats my friend Preetha. I know loo and poopy in the same line cannot have two meanings to it. But hey, what do you know!) . Anyway, I was talking to her over the phone in the loo while my mom would not stop knocking.

Finally, they left abruptly. Sigh. What followed? Emotional talk, subliminal emotional blackmail and the like which also includes their concern for "leftovers". I asked my family not to follow this ritual anymore. My horoscope (which I do not believe in) apparenly says it is ideal for me to get married before November'07. So my grama asked me to find a guy for myself and let her know ASAP. Which is equally funny considering..well, my state of mind right now. At the same time, my family is very important to me.

I am sure you guys had a good read while my life gets twisted by the day. Proud to be a Brahmin! Woohoo!

So cruel..

2007-03-24T10:47:00.000-07:00

So, I started taking my anti-depressants all over again. I stopped without telling my doc, which was obviously a bad move. I saw this movie called "Shopgirl" which did not help me sleep at night for about 2 days. I hope to be well soon, I know I have to make the effort from within.
I have thought this through and I am going to feel better no matter what.

I came across the lyrics of "So cruel" by U2. It is very close to the thoughts in my head. I was actually thinking about writing a poem for my blog- http://www.dark-poems1.blogspot.com/ . But then these lyrics blew me away. Beautifully powerful and apt.

We crossed the line
Who pushed who over?
It doesn't matter to you It matters to me
We're cut adrift

But still floating
I'm only hanging on
To watch you go down...my love

I dissappeared in you
You dissappeared from me
I gave you everything you ever wanted to have
I wasn't what you wanted

The men who love you, you hate the most
They pass right through you like a ghost
They look for you but your spirit is in the air
Baby...you're nowhere

You say in love there are no rules
Sweetheart
You're so cruel

Desperation is a tender trap
It gets you every time
You put your lips to her lips
To stop the lie

Her skin is pale like God's only dove
Screams like an angel for your love
Then she makes you watch her from above

And you need her like a drug

You say in love there are no rules
Sweetheart
You're so cruel

She wears my love
Like a see-through dress
Her lips say one thing
Her movements something else

Oh love
Like a screaming flower
Love Dying every hour

And you don't know if it's fear or desire
Danger the drug that takes you higher?
Head of heaven
Fingers in the mire

Her heart is racing...you can't keep up
The night is bleeding like a cut
Between the horses of love and lust
We are trampled underfoot

You say in love there are no rules
Sweetheart
You're so cruel

To stay with you
I'd be a fool
Sweetheart
You're so cruel

How beautiful you are, now that you love me.

2007-03-21T12:13:00.000-07:00

मय फ्रिएँड्स कॉल मे सेल्फ-गय। वहत थे ****! Lmao! WTF was that! Some typo.

This picture is for all my friends who call me self-gay. Ahem..this picture should explain why. Enjoy :-)

PS: I can't thank Roma enough for capturing beauty at the right moment and letting the world enjoy it.

I want...

2007-03-12T22:13:00.000-07:00

Have you felt like you possibly cannot carry on without a certain something? Felt like acquiring it even if it meant kicking someone in the nuts? Or perhaps, getting it in exchange to one of your most priced possession? If yes, welcome. You have successfully stepped into the realm of Addiction. When I say addiction, I am not merely talking about narcotic drug addiction as most of you may think. This is also about the addiction that people do not give much importance to and realize only when it eats you up from within.

Addiction to any drug may include these general characteristics:

Feeling that you need the drug regularly and, in some cases, many times a day.

Making certain that you maintain a supply of the drug .

Failing repeatedly in your attempts to stop using the drug .

Doing things to obtain the drug that you normally wouldn't do.

Feeling that you need the drug to deal with your problems.

Indulging in activities that place you and others at risk of physical harm when you're under the influence of the drug .

Do you think all this is applicable ONLY to drug addiction? Have you ever felt one or more of the above symptom when you are in or just out of a relationship? Or when don't get to buy new clothes every week for one week?( That's just me). People addiction can be as hampering as any other addiction. In fact, it could be worse. Drugs only kill a person physically, addiction to a certain someone kills you from within. Maybe the Surgeon General hasn't determined it yet, but staying in a bad realtionship maybe dangerous to your health. It can shake your self-esteem and destroy your self-confidence as surely as smoking(!) can damage your lungs.

When people say that the relationship with their partner is killing them, it may be true. The tensions and chemical changes caused by stress can throw any of your organ systems out of kilter, can drain your energy and lower your resistance to all manner of unfriendly bugs. And often it can lead to drug and alcohol addiction, reckless pursuits and even overt suicidal acts. But even if there were no threat to your health, staying too long in a relationship that is deadening, or deadly, can cloud your life with frustration, anger, emptiness and despair. You may have tried to improve it, to breathe life back into it, but you have found that your efforts have been futile- and demoralizing.

Sometimes, basically rational and practical people find it hard to let go and feel like somthing is holding them back. They remain intensly involved with a partner who is consistently rejecting, who repeatedly causes them pain. Why, when they try to give up this relationship, do they experience even more acute torment? The person is probaby thinking "He/She loves me but just doesn't know how to show it."

Reviewing many studies of drug addiction it is noted that the addicting element is not so much in the substance (such as alcohol or tobacco or a narcotic) but in the person who is addicted. In love relationships, this addictive element takes the form of a compelling need to connect with and to remain connected with a particular person. But is this need always an addiction? Why call it an addiction at all? Why not simply call it love or preference or a sense of commitment?

Often there is a lot of love and commitment in an addictive relationship, but to be genuinely loving and committed one must freely choose another person, and one of the hallmarks of an addiction is that it is a compulsive drive which, by definition, means that it limits this freedom. The alcoholic or drug addict feels driven toward the addictive substance even when he knows it is bad for him. And when there is a strong addictive element in a relationship, the feeling is "I must have this person, and I must remain attached to this person, even if this relationship is bad for me."

So the first indication that we are dealing with an addiction is its compulsive quality. The second is the panic one feels at the possible absence of the substance. Alcoholics often feel panic when they are not sure where the next drink is coming from. Drug addicts experience this fear when their supply of drugs is running out. Nicotine addicts may become very uneasy about being in a place where smoking is not permitted. And people in an addictive relationship may experience overwhelming panic at the thought of breaking the relationship. I have often heard of people sitting at the telephone and beginning to dial the number of their partner in an unhappy love affair, determined to tell him or her that it is all over, but their anxiety becomes so great they have to hang up.

The third hallmark of an addiction is the withdrawal symptoms. As bad as the panic is in contemplating or moving toward a possible breakup, it cannot compare to the devastation when the breakup actually happens. A person who has just ended an addictive relationship may suffer greater agony than drug addicts, smokers, and alcoholics endure when they go cold turkey, and in many ways the reaction is similar. Often, for example, there is physical pain (the chest, stomach, and abdomen are particularly reactive), weeping, sleep disturbances (some people can't sleep, others may sleep too much), irritability, depression, and the feeling that there is no place to go and no way to end the discomfort except to go back to the old substance (person). The craving can become so intense it often defeats the sufferer's best intentions and drives him right back to the source of his addiction.

The fourth hallmark of an addiction is that after the mourning period, there is often a sense of liberation, triumph, and accomplishment. This differs from the slow, sad acceptance and healing that follows a non-addictive loss.

Underlying all these reactions, the essential similarity between addicts, whether their addiction is to a substance or a person, is a sense of incompleteness, emptiness, despair, sadness, and being lost that he believes he can remedy only through his connection to something or someone outside himself. This something or someone becomes the center of his existence, and he is willing to do himself a great deal of damage to keep his connection with it intact.

“You do anything long enough to escape the habit of living until the escape becomes the habit.”

- David Ryan

A-ha is you.

2007-03-06T05:37:00.000-08:00

Stare at the cross for a while...What you see is in your head, not the screen.

Before I get into the actual subject let me tell you that this might sound like a whole load of boloney if you read it when you do not take time to actually absorb it. If it looks like crapola to you after that, well..that is ok. But read very carefully. Another thing, I do not intend to sound like a messiah in this post. If I do, it is unintentional.

How many of you might agree if I said Life is an illusion? You might take that statement with no inner-meaning to it and blindly discard it. You might even discontinue reading this post. Like I said, read on and do it in your own time. We, as human beings have choices in front of us almost every instant. The path that we choose takes us to the next choice and so on. One of my friends wrote this in one of his posts- You are where you are today only because of all the choices you have made so far. And I said "Sometimes people are not even remotely responsible for certain events that occur. What do you say to that?" He did not answer me. I found the answer to that myself. In my effort to not sound like the promised deliverer, I am going to talk in layman terms.

What is motivation? Motivation can be defined as a concept used to describe the factors within an individual which arouse, maintain and channel behaviour towards a goal. Another way to say this is that motivation is goal-directed behaviour. When I say goal, I do not only mean people wanting to be successful in life by becoming the CEO of an MNC. Any behaviour is goal-directed, consciously or sub-consciously. Sometimes even unconsciously. There is something called a motivation cycle which explains how motivation works in human beings or even other animals, for that matter. Every drive, leads to thought, which inturn leads to behaviour. Behaviour leads one towards goal, then there are rewards. This cycle is vicious. You may ask "What about punishments then?"

Simple. The cycle leads to punishments and not rewards solely because of the choices you make. You may blame others or God for it, but it is you. I am not telling you it is your fault, it is the repercussion of the choices you made.

I think I kind of drifted away from "Illusion". People call themsleves "Realists" or "Cynics", I m an "Illusionist." At some point or the other, you might snap out of some situation and tell yourself it was fake or an illusion. This is how two people react to the same situation. These two people have been betrayed by someone they whole-heartedly trusted and cared for. One person believed that the betrayal is an illusion while the other believed that the good times they shared and the good side of that person is an illusion. Choices, again.

Imagine sitting in a movie theatre and you are watching a movie which you think is good. But the world's best movie is still an illusion, is it not? The pictures aren't even moving; they only appear to move. Changing light that seems to move across a flat screen set up in the dark? The other people, any people anywhere you go to any movie show, why are they there, when it is only illusions? It is entertainment, fun, could be educational, escape from boredom. A movie is like a lifetime. Then why would anybody choose a bad lifetime, a horror movie? They not only come to the horror movie for fun, they know it is going to be a horror movie when they walk in. They still walk in, why? They probably think they deserve it for horrifying somebody else, or they like excitement of horrification. Lots of people for reasons that are very sound to them enjoy believing that they are helpless in their own films. We need to understand that some people are unhappy because they have chosen to be unhappy. We are game-playing, fun-having creatures, we are the otters of the universe. We cannot die, we cannot hurt ourselves any more than illusions on the screen can be hurt. But we believe we are hurt, in whatever agonizing detail we want. We can believe we are victims, killed and killing, shuddered around by good luck and back luck. You may ask "How many lifetimes?" Well, how many movies have you seen? Films about living on this planet, about living on other planets; anything that's got space and time is all movie and all illusion. But for a while we can learn a huge amuont and have a lot of fun with our illusions, can we not?

Lots of people choose lifetimes because they enjoy doing things together. The actors in the film play together in other films- before or after depends on which film you have seen first, or you can see them at the same time on different screens. We buy tickets to these fims, paying admission by agreeing to believe in the reality of space and time...Neither one is true, but anyone who does not want to pay that price cannot appear on this planet, or in any space-time system at all. Although, there are some people who don't have any lifetimes at all in space-time..the people who never go to movies. Thet get their learning in different ways. Space-time is a fairly primitive school. But a lot of people stay with the illusion even if it is boring, and they don't want the lights turned on early.

Now, who writes these movies? We do. Who acts? Us. Who is the cameraman, the theater manager, the ticket collector, the distributor and who watches them all happen? Who is free to walk out in the middle, any time, change the plot whenever, who is free to see the same film over and over again? Anybody who wants to. But what is projector? Imagination.

The film exists beyond the time that records it, and if you kno what the movie is, you know generally what's going to happen before you walk into the theater; there's going to be battles and excitement , winners and losers, romance, disaster, you know that's all going to be there. But in order to get caught up and swept away in it, in order to enjoy it to its most, you have to put in a projector and let it go through the lens minute by minute. Any illusion requires space and time to be experienced.

So you pay your nickel and you get your ticket and you settle down and forget what's going on outside the theater and the movie begins for you.

That four letter word..

2007-03-04T07:56:00.000-08:00

I have been wanting to write something on relationships for a while now. From my experience, I am pretty bad at it. I could tell you I have learnt from my past relationships but honestly, I think I am getting worse at it. Everytime I "learn" and change myself for the next one, it crashes anyway. I read in some blog about how your mind is what fools you the most. Think about it.

You are with a partner who likes you, you fall in love with him. He still only likes you eventhough his actions show a lot more. How do you come to a conclusion that his actions show that he feels more? Hollywood movies, perhaps. Or Mills & Boon (bad idea, btw). It is all about conditioning. You have seen the girl and guy magically falling in love and only after that does all the real romance begin. You sub-consciously think that is how it is meant to happen. You delude yourself into thinking he is in love with you too only he does not know it himself or he is not telling you. Wrong answer. He is NOT in love with you. As simple(?) as that. If you realize that early in the relationship, it's great for you. I did not. I claimed I did, even to myself but heart of all hearts I would keep hoping someday he would fall in love with me. Everytime he would tell me he does not love me, I would weep for hours together (what a girl-thing to do!) and then I would indulge in highly self-destructive behaviour, pathological would not be too strong a word. In this process of dealing with the truth, I had hurt a lot of people who I genuinely cared for.

The above situation is probably a rare one. Here's another one. This guy you met a while back tells you he loves you, but you just like him. It is somewhat the opposite of the first situation. Only the girl makes the effort to feel the same way about him only to be dumped for NO reason. Or atleast he doesn't give her any.

The point of this harangue is that the foundation of a relationship is very important. And it should be founded on HONESTY from both ends. Also, it should continue to grow on honesty and respect. Love will find its way through eventually. One should also realize that there is no strict pattern for love to happen (although you might see the pattern around you, a lot). There are exceptions to the rule, yeah? And hey, if your relationship is taking a different path, explore it. Enjoy it. Remember, Love can sometimes be magic. But magic can sometimes... just be an illusion.

Insecurity is another aspect that destroys the relationship. Women, in general need to be reassured at regular intervals. But I guess as you grow, you learn to deal with your insecurities in a more effective ways that may not jeopardize your relationship. Your partner should, however be ready to help you grow..if he really wants to be with you that is. Love, like a river, will cut a new path whenever it meets an obstacle. If both the partners want it to work no matter what, it WILL work. After all, there is only one happiness in life,to love and be loved.

I also think that if one partner is being highly deceptive, it is not because he/she innately evil. No one is. Not even the ones that commit cold blooded murder ( psychopathology not included) . There is a reason behind every behaviour. One should know how to communicate this properly.
As long there is honesty, respect and faith there is nothing that can break the bond.

They do not love that do not show their love. The course of true love never did run smooth. Love is a familiar. Love is a devil. There is no evil angel but Love.

-William Shakespeare

Never Again..

2007-03-03T09:33:00.000-08:00

You know what is really annoying? Not loud mallu relatives waking me up, not my grampa asking the same question a million times, its when stupid blogger acts like it has PM-stupid-S throughout the stupid month (Yes, I refrained from profanity as it is rather a public forum).

Blogger magically deleted a whole post I wrote. It took me a lot to actually type that post out because it involved many intense emotions. So, ths blog might not be as good. Enjoy anyway.

What does death mean to you? I know you have felt either sad or disturbed when you heard the news of someone's death. But have you ever felt agony and helplessness when the one you love just disappears? I have. It has been a whole year since Bro left and I cannot say I have "recovered" and I don't think I ever will. I met him 6 years ago in "Apollo Study center" (not that I was a below-average kid) and we did not have many similar tastes nor did we have many common friends. Our friendship was a slow process purely built on mutual respect and understanding.

On rakshabandhan, I was telling him about how I have never had a brother to tie a rakhi to. He just smiled and said " that's not true, sis". That statement, I will not forget till I lose my sanity.
Since then, we became inseparable. We have been through our most terrible times together. And I know for a fact that there will never be a replacement.

March 3 2006, he stopped breathing or so the doctors claimed. That day was an eye-opener to me in many ways besides being the worst day of my life. Evey-opener in the way people take their lives for granted, we make a big deal out of trivial issues.That is what the movie "Saw" is about which is a topic for another day. Also, my belief on matters like death, God, after-life etc. changed greatly. It was rather intriguing to see the way people were dealing with his loss. Every person had a different way of handling it irrespective of it being self-destructive.

I remember touching his hand, so cold, so rigid. My tear dropped on it, still he did not move. I knew then, he had left me..forever. Do i think he is better off where is now? No. Do I think "God" is taking care of him. Hell no (that was a good one!). All I know is that he is the Bro i have never had and will never have. Everyone has someone or the other who means so much to them that a day sans their presence feels incomplete. Bro was one such person to me. I wake up every single day only to realize all over again that I have to face another day without him till maybe, I get to meet him again. I have stopped talking to my friends about him. Why? Maybe because they might think I am looking for sympathy. They might not even know what to say. Or they might not be able to relate to my feelings about Bro. So I am bottling it all up for I know I will let it all out one day when I see him.

Love you, Bro.

Us...ish.

2007-02-28T12:02:00.000-08:00

Ah, I have been thinking about what to write for over an hour now. And I still am. One thing I realized is that it's not enough for one to feel like writing. You ought to know what you want to write about! Especially when you are multi-tasking and yet, that compulsive thought about wanting to write wont go away,*yawn* besides which it is 2:13 am or so my comp indicates. I think I should write about umm...umm.. there I go again! I woke up rather late today, went to baywatch with Roma. The gang i.e, Roma, Buh, Roonerthespooner and I were supposed to meet to "plan" out our weekend. Ok, here is a quick glance of our planning sessions.
Me- Hey! You guys want to do something this weekend?
Rooner- Oh yeah, lets go to bikes! *almost jumping off his chair*
Roma- You guys go ahead.
Buh- I m not sure if I can make it.
Me- Alright then. We' ll do something else. Like..umm..umm..
Roma- How about a beach resort on mahab?
Rooner- Oh yeah, lets go to mahabs! *jumping off his chair this time*
Buh- I m not too sure, you guys go ahead.
Me- So, lets plan this out. We leave around lunch-time and stay there for the night, get back next morning.
Roma- Hey, how about Ooty? Fuck mahabs!
Rooner- Yeah! Oh my god! That's a great idea! *from the floor on which he fell , jumping off his chair the last time*
Buh- No way! I can't make it.
Me- Why, buh?
Buh- Just can't. You guys go ahead.
* Rooner, Roma and I exchanging the we-can't-go-without-buh-cuz-he-might-cry-later look*
Me- Alright. Lets stick to mahabs then.
Rooner- Umm..but, but, but I wanna go to Ooty *moving his hands around like a baby that cries for lollypop*
Roma- Yeah, we should. Buh, c'mon. We have never done this before and it 'll be fun!
Buh- Nope. I can't.
Me- Ok, you guys..I m starting to get a little pissed off. How about you guys deciede and tell me?
*Rooner still throwing a mega tantrum in the background while eveyone is trying to do their best to ignore it*
Roma- Fine. Mahabs it is then.
Buh- Mahabs is good.
Rooner- But, Ooty is so much more fun * in his whiny, chummy voice*
Buh (a little annoyed now. Whew! finally)- No arun, we can't go there.
Rooner- Fine. We can do Mahabs. *like he gave up his pride and honor*
Me- Ok, so no more going back and forth because apparently, I m sick of it.
And then, we all say bye to each other and leave. Roma and I are on her bike.
Roma- Pri, Pri! How about Pondicherry. Cheap booze, stay, travel..everything. It ll be fun.
Me- Right..I guess.
Roma- Message the guys and ask them!
I message.
Buzz. Reply from Buh- No!
Rooner- I m ok with anything. Convince Buh.
Me- Fuck Roms, I m not getting sucked into this again. You guys deciede.
Roma- Pri, I m driving. Just call Buh.
Me- Arrrrrrrrrghhhhhh!

So, that was a preview of our "plans" and how they are "made". You get to know from the above conversation about every individual's character. One is still in the embryo twenty two years after his birth, one wants everyone to stick to his time-table. Well, the other two are angels. Now go figure!

Eternally yours..

2007-02-24T12:26:00.000-08:00

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

This is one movie that I will NEVER forget. Apart from the fact that it is one hell of a mind-fuck, this movie is deeper than many people perceive it to be. Firstly, it reflects the power of attraction. Joel and Clementine fall in love although they had erased each other from their memories through a psychiatric procedure after ending their relationship. The story shows how impractical it is to "erase" someone / certain events from one's memory although it might sound ideal at the moment of unhappiness. When Joel and Clementine break up , the latter does not give herself time to introspect her wrong-doings instead she erases Joel from her memory. This does not work too well for her as she commits the same mistakes in newly formed relationships which inturn makes her life living hell. The plot is something like this :

On a Valentine Day, Joel Barish (Jim Carrey) feels the impulse of going to Montauk instead of working. After spending the cold day on the beach, he meets Clementine Kruczynski (Kate Winslet) on the train station and they have a crush on each other. Joel and Clementine do not know that they were mates in the past. Joel has just erased Clementine from his memories when he found that Clementine did exactly the same, when their relationship ended. However, along his erasing process, Joel becomes astonished when he finds that he still loves Clementine and he does not want to lose her, fighting for keeping the memories of their moments together instead.

Imagine this: You think you have a small fight with your partner and that everything will be ok eventually, you decide to make the first move and talk it out with her only to hear her say "Do I know you?" and she really means it.

How happy is the blameless vessle's lot! The world forgetting, by the world forgot; Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind! Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd.

"Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do."

2007-02-24T11:48:00.000-08:00

I had a lot of thoughts in my head . Blogger took so much time to open up and poof! My head is back to being blank now. I tried my skills (or the lack thereof) in photography. Anyway, I think I managed to recollect what I wanted to "blog" about.

Forgiving. Is it overrated? I do know for a fact that there is a lot of cultural pressure when it comes to forgiving. There are various spiritual and cultural views on forgiveness like how Jesus forgave (is that a word?) Judas, theBiblical betrayer and Krishna forgave urrmm..well, some guy who betrayed him I guess. And then we heard our parents endlessly bedtime storying us about how forgiving is an essential aspect of any relationship. I am sure we did not give it a second thought after falling asleep until one day when reality struck us in the ass. Until then we probably thought that it is easy to forgive, that infact we would no matter what forgive someone close to us even if they did commit the greatest crime.

If I had to think of a situation that was less conducive to forgiving another's behavior, it would have to be when a relationship is falling apart. How can you possibly be expected to forgive your partner for cheating, or lying, or being an abuser? It's too much to ask! Or is it?
It's not always easy to forgive. But without forgiving, you will not be able to move past the anger the other person's 'wrong' has produced in you. Anger may put your entire relationship in jeopardy. With enough anger and rage inside yourself, you cause damage to other relationships in your life.

Can there be any doubt that unforgiveness and the resulting anger motivates someone to stalk and kill their unfaithful partner/spouse? Can there be any doubt that unforgiveness and the resulting anger motivates a partner/spouse to destroy an ex's reputation with lies and innuendo?

It's not easy to forgive the pain of betrayal, the pain of abuse, the pain of loss. Yet, without forgiving, you cannot move forward to new, fresh relationships. Without forgiving, you cannot truly mend a broken relationship.

Forgiveness and penance work together to make for reconciliation and forgiveness is possible even without penance. So even though someone hurts you and refuses to apologize, and even if this means that the relationship cannot be repaired, you can still offer forgiveness—for the sake of your own mental health ( too strong a word, but true).

That’s because forgiveness by itself is still psychologically preferable to holding a grudge. Why? Because the bitterness of a grudge works like a mental poison that doesn’t hurt anyone but yourself. Seeking revenge or wishing harm to another will, at the minimum, deplete your strength and prevent your wounds from healing. In the worst case, the cold hunger for revenge will make you into a victimizer yourself. Lacking forgiveness, you and your victimizer will be locked together in the hell of eternal revenge.

How many times have you wondered if you did all you could to save your realtionship? Forgive yourself for "failing" to stay in a situation without hope.
Can you forgive? Should you forgive? Have you forgiven and regretted doing so? Forgive for your future happiness not for theirs.

“Forgiveness is the answer to the child's dream of a miracle by which what is broken is made whole again, what is soiled is again made clean.”

Say Goodbye?

2007-01-29T10:17:00.000-08:00

So I was thinking, is it good to know if it is the "last time" to something or is it better we are unaware of it? There are strong points to either sides of it.

If you know it is the last time :

You will get to say a proper goodbye and hence will feel how much it means to you.
You will know what you are letting go of and why. (If you are a practical person, woohoo!!)
Also, you will have memories to cherish(?) about the last time.
You get closure which for many people, is very important.

If you DON'T know it is the last time:

You will come to terms with it and move on easily.
You won't have to undergo the painful process of saying goodbye and changing your mind impulsively to get rid of that excruciating sting.

I always thought getting to say goodbye is better than otherwise. Turns out, not. Actually, I am a little confused right now. I think it depends on the situation. If I had to say goodbye to something I cherish and value, I d want to say all that I feel. I will miss it a lot but I will know that I have made my peace with it.

It's a whole new story when it comes to the magical(?) feeling called "Love". You wish you were dead when that moment comes, you wish you vanished into thin air or that by some miracle you could undo everything that's gone wrong. But life ain't that easy now, is it? And what is this whole deal about "moving on" anyway? To be honest, I detest that word. It is overused and means squat. People NEVER "move on". If they HAVE to, even then there are events and images that are etched in the oh so complex human brain, both consciously and subconsciously. When they think they have complelety "moved on" some incident will trigger the past..thats when the subconscious becomes conscious.

On the other hand, if people do not take the pains to "move on", it will happen naturally if it has to. If it doesn't, then we learn to deal with it. Eitherways, our life is not going to come to a stand still. We, as human beings do ALL it takes to make ourselves feel better. Some of them drink away, some eat till they can take no more, while others starve. What do I in this situation? I either go for a haircut or I shop till I drop. See? We all do something, again consciously or subconsciouly. This is something that we are born with. Even if people inflict pain on themselves in order to "move on", they feel better about it eventually. At the end of it, whether we know it or not we NEVER say "goodbye" to ANYTHING. We carry the ugly baggage called the past to our graves. The only difference is that some people block it out, nonetheless all of it remains.

Too much sanity may be madness. And maddest of all, to see life as it is and not as it should be!

A different world.

2006-11-24T04:15:00.000-08:00

Nothing has been going right off-late. Shelly died as well. I was just sitting around and thinking about what makes us hard as human beings from within. What helps you stay emotionally detached? Suddenly, I thought about the war, about how people ruthlessly kill each other. In fact, that is their job! Slowly, my thoughts floated into the realm of gaming.

Personally, I have seen so many young men addicted(?) to it. They are happy killing their enemies, I hear them scream " Machaan! Use that weapon. Stab the Motherfucker. I want to see his blood on the fucking walls da" , followed by " Fucker, he s dead. I m the king da.I fucking blew his brains out." The first time i heard this conversation, I was appalled.

Now, when I come to think of it these young men who waste their time, energy and money on something as unreal and futile as computer games might actually be the ones who are stronger emotionally. If they were given an axe,bow,crossbow,dagger,fishing pole,fist weapon,gun,mace,polearm,spear,staff,sword,thrown,two-hand axe,two-hand mace,two-hand sword,wand or something way less complex like a fork or a toothpick, it is highly unlikely that they might think twice before attacking someone they detest. Keeping this in mind, I think they will form the next generation of soldiers. With their brilliant eye-hand co-ordination and mind-blowing strategies, they could contribute to the world of real war.

Even if this is not a conscious process i.e, them "learning" to be emotionally retarded, it might happen eventually as they play more and more and enter the gaming world so often that they feel alienated from the "real" world.

Is this a good thing that these people seldom get hurt in relationships and are productive to warfare in a drastic way? Or is it a bad thing because what makes them human is dead?

"Keep flax from fire, youth from gaming”

Belly R.I.P

2006-11-19T06:15:00.000-08:00

Belly, my terrapin died today. Baywatch got 2 terrapins, they were really tiny when we got them. I named one shelly ( for obvious reasons) and belly was the bigger, rounder one. She was the funnest terrapin ever ( not that i have had terrapins before in my life). I am sure Shelly and belly liked each other a lot. They were all over each other all the time, unless that is a way to express animosity in terrapin lingo. Sigh..Shelly will feel lonely now.
As soon as i walk into baywatch, I would first hold Shelly and Belly..it became kind of a ritual. I would feed them and clean their poo. Yup, like taking care of babies. Only it was small-ass poo. When I was down and went there all by myself, I d hold them and talk to them. I felt like they responded ( by trying to run away from my hand, of course). Over these months, I had created this unusually strong bond with them.
I heard Belly was not doing too good so I decided to visit her. I held her, she didn't move. Her neck was cold (not because of the water, this time). I rushed her to a vet only to find out she s gone. I shook her a little more, asked her to get up. Nope, nothing. I took her to the beach and buried her there.
Ironically she was the healthier one of the two. She is one terrapin I will never forget. May her soul rest in peace. Love and peace.

“Now bury her,
the water she swam in,
And bury her down and down
Who had to put her trust in one
So light-eyed and so brown....”

I exist, therefore I am?

2006-10-24T10:50:00.000-07:00

When I was 5, did I know Schizophrenia is a psychiatric diagnosis that describes a mental disorder characterized by impairments in the perception or expression of reality and/or by significant social or occupational dysfunction? Or that a person experiencing untreated schizophrenia is typically characterized as demonstrating disorganized thinking, and as experiencing delusions or hallucinations of all senses? I am afraid not. All I knew was that my dad saw, heard and felt things I did not. I was constantly under the impression that something was fundementally wrong in my head. So I stopped talking to people much, I stayed away from people I cared about thinking they might get my "disease".

One day, I ran to my dad to tell him about what I did in school. He sat still against the wall and did not respond to my hug like always. I always thought "Dad thinks I am a terrible person. That's why he doesnt hug me back or even smile at me." I continued telling him about my day, suddenly he jumped off his feet. I was startled.

"He is standing right next to you with a huge rock in his hands. Don't move, he'll throw it on us", he said. I looked around, there was no one but us in the room. But I saw deep fear in my dad's eye. "Why would he lie to me?" I thought to myself. I did not want him to know about my "disease" so I told him "he" would disappear if we looked away.

Thirteen years later, I took up psychology and learnt about my dad's condition called "Chronic paranoid schizophrenia". What shattered me more is that the illness could be genetic. I wondered how my dad has lived in his own world for the past 25 years, how no one belived him when he spoke about "them."

Did my childhood beliefs have an impact on me as an adult? Subconsciously, yes, to a great extent.

Is his world better than the "real" world? But then, who are we to say what is "real?" Years later, researchers may prove that the schizophrenic world is what is "real".

Schizophrenia may be a necessary consequence of literacy.

Would you?

2006-10-20T10:58:00.000-07:00

My boss told me he read this book in which this guy goes forward in time , gets a sex change and dates himself. My first reaction to this-" That is really disturbing." Last night, before going to bed a thought struck me " Who knows best what it is like to be me? Who will accept me for all that I am?" One instant answer "Me." Now, you might think I am narcissistic and I probably am. But think. If you are a person who knows what he wants, who is aware of his weaknesses and strengths, how awesome would it be for you to date yourself ( well, the sex change can be optional in your head according to your preferences).

Most of the altercations in a relationship arise with one question "Why don't you understan me?" Why is that? Because the other person is NOT you. Simple. I have heard one of my friends say " Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me." What if that man is you? I think it is true that If we are incapable of finding peace in ourselves, it is pointless to search elsewhere.

However utopian and hypothetical this idea may seem, it makes you wonder..Can you be happy with yourself? Will you ever feel sad or lonely? Will you be stronger as an individual?

The body is a house of many windows: there we all sit, showing ourselves and crying on the passers-by to come and love us.

Haunting questions...

2006-10-15T01:45:00.000-07:00

Is this a terrible sanguivorous misanthropic world? I think not. It's all in your complex or not-so complex head. Why do some of us have numerous problems while others live a problem-free life? Why do we seek answers when there aren't any? Why do we look for happiness outside us? Why do we implode when we don't find it?

The problems that we face are ONLY because of us. Seldom are other sources the cause. But we find solace in blaming others. We tell ourselves "I m fine, it's them." I did that. Many times. And here I am with no one around me. When I say no one I mean people who mean a great deal to me, people who taught me how to walk. I knew I was fucked up all along, only I didn't know what to do to rectify it. You know when I learnt that? When I lost all. Should that make me happy or sad? Should I brood over losing so much or look ahead and face this new life with a smile on my face? Most of you might think the latter. But do you know how difficult it is to leave behind everything that made you what you are today?

Then again, if these people had faith in me long enough they would be delighted to see who I am now. Sadly, they walked out , washing their hands off me. They were my elixir, my life. Family never played a vital role in shaping me the right way. I would not blame them though. They would want me to be a certain way and in the process fail to see me as an individual, as a unique entity.

What changed me? Why did it take so long? Why didn't they stay?

Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible poverty.

BIRTH OF SANITY

My Hero.

Joys of Motherhood- II

Non-drunken rambings...

To-Do

The Joys of Motherhood-1

Passion of the mellu

Some come and go but some stay...

I feel like a cliche.

3 AM in Singapore

Conversations with Pri-I

So much to say..so little time.

I have been Taken Over :(

INDIA AWAKENING!

Happyness is mine !

Superhuman?

More Questions...

..l..

Lunch Box...

Cruel Intentions...

Thus let me live,unseen,unknown...

He loved, he was killed...

Narcotics are a joke!!

I made you up....

And she found it...

Happy(?) Birthday...

Ode on a grecian urn...

Say it isn't so...

Man(?) of the year...

My time machine...

What's in a name?!

"Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.” - Will Rogers

I remember the days when...

Coming undone...

Am I making sense or is it the migraine?

Flash(y) News...

She's breathing...

A for Apple, B for Bat...M for Money!

Uncyclopedia unraveled!

Unborn melody...

Rescue her...

Yes / No...

So cruel..

How beautiful you are, now that you love me.

I want...

A-ha is you.

That four letter word..

Never Again..

Us...ish.

Eternally yours..

"Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do."

Say Goodbye?

A different world.

Belly R.I.P

I exist, therefore I am?

Would you?

Haunting questions...